No Strings Attached

NSA: 36

Mabilis ko namang nakita si Lilith dahil kaunti lang ang tao sa loob ng McDo. Wala siyang nabanggit na kasama niya si Percy pero mabuti na rin 'yon para isang kitaan na lang. I want to end our friendship properly.

Masayang tumayo naman ang dalawa para batiin ako nang makita nila ako pero tinignan ko lang sila at umupo sa katapat nilang upuan. Halata ang kaba sa mga mukha nila nang umupo ulit sila, para bang nahuli sila ng mga magulang nila na may ginagawang kababalaghan.

"Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Ito na sana ang huling beses na magkaroon tayo ng interaction kaya sabihin niyo na ang lahat ng gusto niyong sabihin." Paninimula ko dahil parang wala silang balak magsalita.

Never akong humingi ng explanation sa kanila kung bakit nila ginawa ang ginawa nila because I thought I'm alive to be punished and not to be happy. I thought I deserve to be treated this way.

"I... Lilith was my childhood sweetheart but because their family migrated to Canada we've lost contact over the past few years." Percy paused and look at Lilith. Lilith holds her hand to encourage her to speak. "After we graduated from college, we crossed paths again because of some family gathering. After that encounter, she started to bring me my favorite coffee every morning and wait for me at the end of the day to eat dinner with me. She courted me after confessing her love for me three years ago. We've been together for a year but then I couldn't be completely happy when you're ruining your life."

"Sinasabi mo bang kasalanan ko pa na niloko niyo 'ko?" Kunot noong tanong ko sa kaniya.

"H-Hindi naman sa gano'n, Iniko. Please, listen to me first." Malungkot na sabi niya.

"Fine, I won't interrupt anymore." Pagsuko ko dahil huling beses na lang naman 'to.

"You're someone who didn't hesitate to be my friend even though girls and guys at our school don't like me. You always save me whenever I'm in trouble. I... I wanted to help you and I thought I did. I can't sleep at night knowing that I'm helping you to ruin your life." Guilt is written all over her face after saying that. She looks at me and all I can see is sadness and longingness in her eyes. "So I asked Lilith a favor to make my mistake right."

It's been a week since the day Lilith and Percy talked to me.

She wanted me to fall in love with Lilith so I could stop seeing other guys na naging successful naman. Kaya lang, Lilith is in love with her and she's in love with Lilith. Kung hindi pa ako pumunta sa bahay ni Lilith noong araw na 'yon, I'm sure hindi ko sila mahuhuli. Who knows, baka hanggang ngayon ay pinagmumukha pa rin nila akong tanga pero kanino nga bang kasalanan 'to?

Kasalanan ko ba dahil hindi ko pinansin ang mga tinginan nila noong pinakilala ko si Lilith sa kaniya? Kasalanan ko ba kasi mahina ako at lahat na lang ng tao sa paligid ko, gusto akong iligtas at protektahan?

The first time I've been cheated on, I blamed myself for what happened even though it's obvious that he's the one who ruined everything, that he's the one at fault. I couldn't sleep at night without thinking and crying about it.

May mali ba sa katawan ko? Mukha ba akong tanga at madaling lokohin? Maganda naman ako, iniintindi ko siya, hindi ko hinahayaan na mag-away kami ng matagal, naging maayos akong karelasyon, binibigay ko ang gusto niya, binigay ko ang lahat-lahat ko sa kaniya, I even broke my promise to my twin sister that I won't let any man touch me but heck it wasn't enough for him. I was never enough, just like before. I'm fucking useless so I accepted it.

He never said sorry and I thought that's how the relationship works. That I'm not worthy of his time and effort; not even his apologies.

I'm just plain mad, hurt, and disgusted.