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NSA: 29

"You didn't love him, you were sad, and in Lilith's case? You were in love with the thought of loving someone again and excited because it was new for you but with Hecate? You're crazily in love with her that you avoided her because you're afraid it won't work as well. You're afraid that you're gonna lose her too but come to think of it, you're already losing her." Sabi ng stranger na pinagkwentuhan ko ng buhay ko. Nandito ako sa park na madalas kong puntahan noon para panuorin ang paglubog ng araw. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari pero nakita ko na lang ang sarili kong kwinekwento sa kaniya ang talambuhay ko.

I'm not the kind of person who talks about my life with a total stranger but I find it comforting at the same time. She never said a single side comment when I was talking, she just listened. She asked me if I want her opinion and since she somehow became my therapist today. I said, 'Sure.' and then here we are.

"But I'm not afraid!" Pangangatwiran ko.

"Yes, you are. You even used your ex-girlfriend as an excuse. You can't let her go because you're afraid you'll come running to Hecate. Hindi si Lilith ang kinukulong mo, kung hindi 'yang sarili mo." Natameme naman ako sa sinabi niya.

"Hindi mo deserve ang maloko pero mas lalong hindi mo deserve ang ipagkait sa sarili mong maging masaya dahil lang takot ka. You're broken and you became too comfortable with it but now you're strong and healed enough to love someone. You've been afraid all your life, you've punished yourself enough for something that you don't have any control over. Reward yourself, be happy. Go get your girl!"

It took me years to open up with someone I know and yet it took me some pizza and nice scenery to vent everything out to a complete stranger. How great is that?

"If you're thinking, 'Why am I even telling my crappy life and secrets to a complete stranger when I have my friends to share it with?'." Sabi niya habang kumukuha ulit ng isang slice ng pizza pagkatapos ay tumingin siya sa mata ko. "That's because you were silent for a long time and you just had to say it to someone who you don't care what will think about you. You're traumatized, that's your past trauma talking." Sabi niya pagkatapos ay tumayo na.

"So, see you around?" Sabi niya at nginitian ako.

"Yeah, and thank you." Tumango lang siya saka nagsimulang maglakad palayo.

"Wait!" Sabi ko at binaba muna ang isang box ng pizza sa bench saka lumapit sa kaniya nang humarap ulit siya sa'kin. "What's your name?"

"Oh, there's no need for you to know. If we ever bump into each other again, my role wouldn't be a stranger anymore." Sabi niya at akmang lalakad na ulit palayo pero hinawakan ko ang laylayan ng damit niya.

"What is it?" Nagtatakang tanong niya.

"Can I at least give you a hug?" Nahihiyang tanong ko.

"Of course! Come here." Sabi niya at sinenyasan ako na yakapin siya na ginawa ko naman.

"Thank you, stranger." She patted my back then break the hug.

"Go and get your girl!" Sabi niya at tinapik ang balikat ko bago tuluyan nang naglakad palayo.

What an interesting woman!

Nagpunta naman ako sa hotel na tinutuluyan ko at pa-dive na dumapa sa kama. Nanatili akong nakasubsob lang sa loob ng ilang segundo bago ako tumihaya at tumingin sa kisame.

Gusto ko nang puntahan si Cat at makausap siya pero masyado ko na siyang nasaktan. Salamat sa babaeng nakausap ko kanina sa park at mas nalinawan ako sa feelings ko.

Mahal ko siya pero sapat ba 'tong feelings ko? After everything I've done to her, do I deserve someone special like her?

"You're afraid that you're gonna lose her too but come to think of it, you're already losing her."