What Happens Behind Closed Doors || Aaron Hotchner x Y/N

Chapter Eighteen

There you stood, outside in the cold, still in Aaron's clothes.

Despite the previous panic, you controlled it and took breaths in 4s, waiting for Emily to be there. You had been forced to learn how to control, hide, and suppress your panic attacks as a kid because emotion was not present or allowed in your household.

Inside yourself, when the panic finally quit, that gut feeling to run returned. It sliced through you like a hot knife. You knew where this feeling came from, you knew why you needed to run, why the panic raked through your body, why you acted like this in the first place, but you refused to admit it to yourself or anyone around you.

It was like everything that you had worked out after you left their life was coming back to you but you just wouldn't admit it to yourself.

You got the wave of panic again when you saw the bright headlights of Emily's car pull up.

She parked the car and got out as fast as she could. She ran to you and completely engulfed you in her arms. You liked hugs as you relaxed your body into her arms and let out a silent sob. Your body wasn't feeling panic anymore, it was just sadness. A sadness that you couldn't control or suppress as hard as you tired.

"Hey let's get you into the warm car, okay?" he said as one hand rested on the back of your head and the other was rubbing wide circles on your back. Emily was literally your mother, she always knew how to make things better.

"Okay," you said before you pulled your head back and realized that you had snotted all over Emily's shirt. "I'm sorry" you laughed at the snot. "It's okay" she laughed back and the mood changed a bit.

She walked you over to the car and opened the door for you before guiding you inside. She walked around the car and got in on her side and started the car. You couldn't deny that her car was warm and comforting but your body still reeked of guilt, fear, and shame.

She started driving and the car was absolutely silent again. You knew Emily wasn't going to ask. She practically already knew what happened. She wanted you to tell her yourself, and you were certain that was not going to happen so you sat in the car in silence.

The silence filled the car the whole way and it was painful, you both wanted to say so many things but again you just couldn't. Emily didn't want to push, and you were in no state of sharing, but she broke the silence. "I'm not gonna ask what happened, I just need to know that everything was um" she paused and cleared her throat clearly uncomfortable with what she was asking, "consensual," she said squeamishly fearful to know the answer. It was her boss and this was awkward for her.

Something about her question made you absolutely lose your shit. "It was fucking perfect" you snapped at her. "It was fucking amazing and every part that wasn't, was every bit my fault." you were angry, not at Emily, but at yourself.

"And the worst part is, I know why I ruined it, I ruin everything, THAT'S MY JOB," you said again snapping harsh words in Emily's direction. She knew where this was coming from, she knew everything from your past, the emotional manipulation, and trauma.

"I should have just stopped this before it began."

Emily was completely silent, she knew that once you were on a tangent there was no stopping you and it was very clear that was what was happening. you stopped yelling and shoved your face into your hands to cover up the fact that you were about to cry again.

Emily didn't respond, she just nodded, you were spewing nonsense at her, It was vague and made no sense, she couldn't even think of how to respond.

The car was filled with the painful silence again while Emily was driving. All you could muster to do was curl into a ball again. Your knees came to your face and your arms wrapped around your legs while your forehead rested aghast your knees.