VICIOUS

That's all I desire. (53.)

With my back, I lean against the door of my old bedroom. The sounds coming from the living room are less loud in here. I let out a deep breath and walk over to my bed. 

The sheets and pillows are scattered across the room. I sit down on the soft mattress and stare at the ground. Well, I did it. I told the biggest secret I've ever had. This was something personal. Maybe even traumatic. Something that always would've been kept a secret if it wasn't for Bianca and Jake. 

I can hear footsteps approaching the bedroom door, but they walk past this room. They shuffle around the hallway and kitchen and I can hear them sit down on the chairs in the kitchen. 

''We need a plan,'' I hear Thomas say. ''And we need it fast. We're already outnumbered.'' 

I let out a relieved sigh when I hear that they aren't talking about me or my past. 

''I say that we go back to Vicious,'' Neo says. ''Look for any survivors. I can try to hack into our old system. Maybe we can get everyone's phone number and call them.'' 

I hear bottles opening and the sound of drinking. A sound I was used to when I was younger. My parents were drunk and high most of the time. They rarely talked to me when they were sober. 

''If I were Brandon, I'd shit my fucking pants,'' Thomas suddenly chuckles. ''It's sad to see what made her strong, but in times like this it's useful.'' 

The rest of the group laughs at his words and agrees with him. 

Great, they started talking about me. Well, I could've expected that to happen. 

''Remember when she first joined Rank 2?'' Matthew asks. ''I never thought a girl could be that scary, but she proved to me that it was possible.'' 

Bianca scoffs and laughs. ''Were you guys really afraid of her?'' 

Matthew tries to play it off cool. ''I wouldn't really say afraid, but she was scary, though. I mean, she was, I don't know, 18 when she joined us? It was pretty goddamn clear that she didn't give a single fuck about other people. She is cruel, man.'' 

''You can be honest with me,'' says Bianca. ''This fella is also afraid of her. You should've heard him talk about her when we left the diner.'' She chuckles again. 

''I'm not afraid of Taylor,'' Jake protests in a loud voice. ''She's my niece, it'd look stupid if I were afraid of someone who's 20 years younger.'' He scoffs. 

''Well, you should be,'' says Bianca. ''Never underestimate the evil of a dark heart, which is something she clearly has.'' 

Oh, wow, thank you. I roll my eyes at her words. 

They pause for a moment and I can hear that some of them are mumbling something. 

''Have you not heard the story she told us tonight?'' Bianca asks in disbelief. ''At the age of sixteen, she decided to murder both of her parents. No mercy, not at all. Yes, she is, in fact, your niece and much younger than you. But age doesn't define power.''

I let the words echo through my head, while I place my feet on the bed to lay down on my back. 

Age doesn't define power..

Never underestimate the evil of a dark heart..

She is cruel..

Everyone makes it seem like I'm some sort of evil villain in a comic book. Killing people, going after people, blackmailing them... It's all part of my job. Did you really think I'd do that if I had the facilities to live on my own? If I had the ability to live in my own home, with maybe a pet? Fuck, I'd do anything to go back in time if I had the chance to live like that. 

The first three years killing people gave me some sort of adrenaline rush. It felt good to take revenge. But now.. 

I never regretted taking over the power in the country, though. I'm not the type of person who obediently listens to all of the rules and laws. So every time I heard that we got bigger, that we had power over new areas, I felt proud. 

A knock on the door makes me snap back from my thoughts. The door opens and Thomas peeks his head through the space between the door and the door frame. 

''Can I come in?'' He asks me. He looks at me with a concerned expression. 

I sigh and sit down on my bed again, in a normal position. He takes that as a yes and walks in, shutting the door behind him. 

''Everything alright?'' He asks. 

I quickly nod. My usual answer. 

''You don't seem to be alright,'' He notices. He cocks his head to the side and looks me up and down. His eyes tell me that he's tired. Except for my and Thomas' voices, the whole house has gone quiet. I assume the rest is trying to sleep a little. 

Thomas walks over and sits down next to me. From the corner of my eyes, I can see that he's looking at me with a worried expression. 

''I'm sick of this,'' I eventually say. ''Sick of this life. I wish I would've died when the explosion happened.'' 

It stays quiet. I turn my head to the side to look at him, but all he does is stare at the ground. Our legs touch for a second and he smiles. 

''If I had died, I wouldn't be here,'' I continue. ''I wouldn't be dealing with all of the consequences of something I didn't even cause. I would finally be able to rest.''

I don't care about the things I say. I already threw a lot of personal stuff on the table today, why not continue to do so? 

''Why do we kill those people? Just to get to Oblivion? To their leader?'' 

Thomas looks at me and shrugs. ''The only reason I kill those people is because I get assigned to do so.'' 

An understandable reason. I don't even know his story. How he became part of Vicious. 

I feel the tears burn behind my eyes. Oh God, I don't want to cry. I'm not an emotional person. Most people always tell me that I'm cold. 

''I just want to stop living,'' I say and then the first tear pushes its way outside. It rolls over my cheek. ''I've been unhappy my whole life. Abused since I was a fucking toddler. Bullied at school. Now living a life where people are afraid of me. Even the people I work with.'' 

This is it. I've had it. Fooling myself into thinking I enjoy my work. And no, I simply don't give a single fuck about others. But I've come to the point where I just want to lay down and die. 

I stare at the door in front of me. My gaze is blurry because of the tears. ''I want to be normal. That's all I desire.''