VICIOUS

Love. (95.)

Love. 

Love is stupid. 

Love is for children. 

Love makes us vulnerable. 

That last sentence is something my mother used to tell me when I was little. She said it when I made the gesture to hug her, but she always moved away from me. She didn't want me to be vulnerable. No, she wanted me to be a cold person with barely any emotions. 

Love has always been some sort of distraction for me. Sure, I took it seriously, but I never saw it as my future. There was always this voice that told me I didn't deserve it and for a long time I believed that, God knows why. 

All of my previous relationships.. If I'm honest, it were all distractions. Distractions from work, stress, problems and other shit. And now it's also distracting me, but not the good kind. This time I'm not supposed to be distracted, I need to be focused. Focused on my goals. 

I sniff and keep on staring at our intertwined hands. 

I never experienced love like this. Someone cares about me and I can finally feel that. I've always ignored it when someone claimed to care about me, thinking it was just a bunch of bullshit. Come on, why would anyone care about me? It's not like I deserve it. 

''I'm sorry.'' 

My voice cracks a little as those words roll over my lips. Do I mean it? I don't know. I don't know what I should feel at the moment. I hate that my head is all over the place. 

For the first time in ages, I don't know what to do. And all of those other times I said it, I knew that I'd eventually come up with something. But this time I seriously don't know if I could even think of something. 

''You don't have to be sorry,'' Brandon says in a soft voice. He pulls me back into his arms. ''It's not your fault. All you did was protect yourself.'' 

He kisses the top of my head, rocking me back and forth like a baby. My head rests against his chest. 

''Since you were a kid no one told you that it wasn't your fault,'' He continues to whisper. ''It was obvious that you'd eventually believe them.'' 

I let out a trembling breath as I feel the tears burn behind my eyes. 

''You may have made mistakes, but that isn't your fault,'' He whispers, trying to calm me down a little. ''They all made it that way. They did that to you.'' 

He pauses for a moment. 

''The only thing that actually is your fault, is making me fall in love with you,'' He softly chuckles. 

Without realizing it, a slight chuckle leaves my mouth. He's head over heels about me.

If only he knew about my plans..

For the past few weeks he has been acting innocent. As if he never did anything wrong, as if he isn't the leader of a gang or as if he didn't kill several people. I have the idea that he changed. But even if he actually has, I won't forgive him. Forgiving people is for the weak.

''You've changed,'' I softly say. 

He doesn't respond, but eventually takes a deep breath and I feel that he nods. 

''I know that I chose for this type of life myself, but Dean made it worse,'' He tells me. ''He made me do the things I didn't want to do and even when I said that, he wouldn't listen to me. And you and I both know that once you misbehave, you won't be fired. You'll be killed without any hesitation.'' 

He sighs and plays with my hair. 

He's right. That's the type of business we work in. Not a normal fucking company, but part of a gang. Part of the world's most dangerous groups. 

Part of a death sentence.