Broken Inside

56 - The Confession

By the time she finished delivering all of the folders, it was late afternoon and Alex was exhausted. She managed to get a few bites at some of the venues she delivered to, but she didn't really have time for a proper lunch. 

"So we're done for the day?" John asked her.

"Yes," Alex said and exhaled deeply. "Thank you, John. I don't think I'll be finished this early if it wasn't for you."

"You're very welcome," John replied. "So, office or home?"

"Home, please."

*****

The moment she reached home, Alex filled the tub, removed her makeup, stripped down and submerge herself until only her face was visible above the waterline. She lost track of time, not knowing how long she stayed in the tub. She refilled the hot water to bring up the temperature three times. When she finally emerged, her fingers and toes were wrinkled beyond recognition.

She wrapped herself in a thick robe and wrapped a towel around her wet hair. Just as she stepped out of the bathroom, there was a knock on the door. She opened it and was surprised to see Paul.

"Hi," she greeted him. Then she made room for him to come inside. 

"I've been calling you," Paul said and then his eyes looked at her from top to toe. "Have you been in the bath all this while?"

"Yeah, since I got home," Alex told him. "It's been a long day. I just needed to relax."

Paul went to her and caressed her cheek. "How do you feel now?"

Alex smiled and said, "Much better." She noticed the large paper bag Paul was carrying. "What do you have there?"

"Dinner," Paul announced, placing the bag on the kitchen counter. "I picked up a few things along the way. You don't mind, do you?"

"That you brought dinner?" Alex asked incredulously. "It's food, why would I mind?"

Paul chuckled as he started to unload the bag. Alex watched him as he arranged the containers on the counter. He was smiling and humming. He did look really happy. 

Alex suddenly felt dread overcoming her. She has seen this before. With Jesse, they were happy up until he had to leave. With Zack, she thought he was happy, but it turned out he was cheating on her. With Andy too, the happiness was fleeting until he chose his ex-wife over her. Alex was sure something bad would happen with Paul too.

Paul noticed the look on her face. "Hey, are you alright?" he asked, pausing from what he was doing.

Alex gave him a little smile and turned away. She sat on the couch and unwrapped her hair. She started rubbing her hair with the towel as her mind wandered, thinking about all her previous failed relationships.

Paul strutted over to her and sat down on the coffee table, so he could face her. He took her hand and held it. "What's wrong? Talk to me." He looked concerned.

Alex shrugged and shook her head, "It's nothing."

"It's can't be nothing, you're clearly upset," Paul pointed out. He kissed her hand and asked again, "What's bothering you?"

Alex sighed deeply. She might as well get it over with. If he's going to break her heart, better its now than later. She looked at him and asked, "Do you like me?"

Paul laughed but quickly stopped when he realised that she was serious. He held her hand with both of his. "Yes, I do," he answered.

Alex was not convinced. She lowered her eyes and wondered if Paul himself believed what he was saying.

He raised her chin so that she was forced to look at him. "Alex, I'm gonna need to ask you to use your words," Paul said to her softly, "I can't read your mind."

Alex sighed as she looked into his mesmerising greenish blue eyes. "You like me now," she said quietly, "But you could change your mind." Paul opened his mouth to speak but Alex placed her finger on his lips, silencing him. "It has happened before and I know it will happen again. And you being who you are, I'm the one with the bigger risk here. You could break my heart and ruin my career. I'll be left with nothing."

Paul took her hands and held them in his. He ran his thumbs gently over her knuckles. They were both looking down at their hands, not saying anything in that moment.

Then Paul exhaled sharply and asked, "You're asking for assurance? If things goes sideways, then your livelihood will not be affected?" He glanced up at her, seeking for confirmation. Alex nodded and Paul said, "Fine. I'll get legal to amend your contract first thing in the morning."

Then he got up abruptly, dropping Alex's hands on her lap. She was surprised. He looked angry. She glanced at him in the kitchen. His stance was tensed and his face was red. He was opening the cabinet with unnecessary force.

Alex raised from the sofa and went into the bedroom. She sat down on her bed and wondered, was it a mistake to express her fears? 

Paul suddenly appeared at the doorway, with his hands on his waist. Alex looked up at him. He looked like he was battling an internal turmoil.

Then he looked at her and said, "I love you."

Alex eyes widened and her jaw dropped. What?

"I'm in love with you," Paul said, clenching his jaws, "From the first time we met. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I see you in my dreams. I see you in the crowd everywhere I go. I'm obsessed about you."

Alex didn't know what to say. He's in love with me? He doesn't even know me.

Paul sighed and his hands dropped to his side. "I know you don't feel the same way about me."

Then he turned around and Alex heard the front door opening and closing. 

Alex was frozen on the spot. He loves me?

*****

Alex couldn't sleep that night. She had put away all the food that Paul brought into the fridge without eating a bite. Her mouth felt dry and she lost her appetite. She was still in shock from Paul's confession.

After almost 2 hours of tossing and turning, she finally gave up. She made herself a cup of strong tea and sat out on the balcony with a thick blanket wrapped around her. She had turned on some slow music on her phone, in the hope that it will make her sleepy. But she was barely listening to the music. Her mind kept playing over and over what happened earlier with Paul.

He loves me. He knows nothing about my life. Once he finds out, he will not love me anymore. Alex sniffled and took a sip of her tea. How can I ever be with someone like Paul? He's everything and I'm nothing. She felt sad and sniffled again.

There was a soft knock on her door. Alex frowned. Who would come knocking this late?

She went to open the door, but made sure the chain was secured. She was surprised to see Paul.

"Did I wake you?" he asked. He was slurring a little. Alex realised that he was drunk.

She closed the door, released the chain and opened the door again. Paul was barely standing. She grabbed his arm and led him inside. She brought him to her bedroom, took off his jacket and put him to bed. He was mumbling incoherently so Alex ignored him. She took off his shoes and socks, then his pants. Then she tucked him in. It wasn't long before he started snoring softly. 

Alex looked at him and sadness overcame her again. She remembered when Jesse had his bad turn. It was ugly. Now it was happening with Paul. 

Alex sighed and left the bedroom, closing the door behind her.