moon [k.nj + k.sj]

15. It's a promise

(Warning: Mature Language)

Namjoon's point of view:

I was shocked to see Seokjin at my doorstep, teary eyed, he scared me. His whole appearance did, he was too weak to even stand by himself, I caught him, and he started crying against my chest, and then he cried, and told me everything, everything I needed to know and everything he wanted me to know and it was amazing and scary at the same time how he trusted me enough to tell all of it and it was even more scary when I thought about the future. I can't leave him alone.

He walked in as we sat down in the couch, I held him tight through out when he couldn't speak, he tried but the tears would clog and block him from speaking, and then he did. I ran my fingers through his hair as he spoke, softly, "My parents and I have a terrible relationship, they used to fight a lot, every other day they yelled, cursed, broke stuff and there would be disappearance of either one for days. Dad was a drunkard and mom, I don't even know,  I'm pretty sure alcohol was not the only thing they were interested in. It got worse as we grew up. I used to be the one to cook for Tae and me, it wasn't very good before, almost burnt myself once. That's how I learnt cooking..." That's why now when he is complimented, he feels nice, because there was no one to do it before, it wasn't even a hobby, it was compulsory, how did I misunderstand this  stunning piece of art. It holds way too much pain inside than I could even imagine.

"You know Tae used to get sad when he couldn't have parents go to see his competitions or drama he took part in, so I went, and the smile on his face, his boxy smile, it made my day...But..." he still couldn't talk about his own pain, what makes a person after going through hell, can they even trust themselves or are they just too scared to mess up? He sighed, "But no one came to mine. I..." his voice cracked as my hold around him got tighter, my hands were shaking to see him break, but at that point he needed to not know but feel that I was there for him and that it was safe. "I felt bad, seeing the others getting cheers and no one came for me. It was honestly weird but after I got to twelve-thirteen, it didn't bother me anymore, but when I was alone, or cried for something, it haunted me, haunted me that I was alone, and no was there, like the moon. The moon is alone in the dark at night, the stars are so far from it and when it was shining, he couldn't even see the bright light. The earth, it seemed like no one wanted him, no one was there for him. Strange, but true. Not every shiny thing is gold and not everyone smiling is happy." 

"Then one day mom decided to go away leaving us with this man. She said she'll go for a few days but then weeks, months passed and a year later I realized she wasn't coming back. That was dad's freedom point, there were different people in our hose each night, they fucked of course, Tae and I went to the terrace and most days fell asleep there. But then, he disappeared too one day, but I didn't wait for him." That's why it was only his brother and him.

"Tae was scared, very scared, he would even fall asleep holding onto my shirt. We were all about each other, and we were all we had. Years passed and I was glad when he got into this college, that I wasn't making a huge mistake in guiding him right? Teaching him was easy and then he learnt to manage stuff by himself too, that was an assurance. Hobi was also a great relief, but without parents, some stuff really goes wrong. Like people taking advantage. Also to know that there isn't no one over you, it's just you, your brother falls into trouble, you have to solve it, you are in danger, you get yourself out. That thought scared me. But now it was honestly okay. Tae  is an amazing brother." You are a fucking amazing brother too Seokjin.

"You know, I told you about the people I dated. That wasn't it. The first guy, he was the one I trusted when the word freaks me out these days. He used to come over a lot, and he did try to make moves definitely didn't know comfort zones, but Tae was there so he couldn't go directly, but in the party, till the kiss was okay, but his hands went down my pants, and I broke his nose. His mom freaked out and started yelling at me about how I was the one who forced myself on him, and then everyone took their side, of course no one could take mine. There she pulled my parents and yelled about them too. I couldn't bear to stand there anymore, I rushed out, got home, I didn't cry, but it made me angry, very angry, on myself, that  why did I even tell some random dude something so personal like that and now almost all the kids at the party knew. It was embarrassing, I got called names, for long, huh funny life."

"And that lesson made me keep everything hidden from my girlfriend then and she thought I was cheating or stuff, but said I was too pretty to leave, and getting me made her popular, so yeah, using me is a easy thing for people to do I suppose, or I'm just good at being used. And then I didn't even know she was cheating until she tried to hit on Hobi. He didn't let me go down that time. Anyone who tried to say something against me, I could stand up for myself, because Hobi was there, at least someone was there for me that time." 

"And the third one was meant to fuck me up." He never curses, must be too bad, and this all...how was he still so strong? "Every good thing he did is the one-fourth of all the bad and I can't remember the good things at all. He wanted me to go away with him to America and of course I couldn't leave Tae alone and he didn't like Tae because the guy he liked before me was Tae's boyfriend. Apparently that's why he got together with me, for revenge against him and to get the guy. None happened so he started his actions. When I said I didn't want to go. He said I was nothing but a pretty face and everything which was too believable for me. It went to a point where Tae held him pinned against the wall which made his hate increase, there were horrible fights and calling the cops was not an option of course, his parents had hands towards those, we were helpless, and getting rid of him was difficult, going out and staying in, everything had gotten scary, but Jimin, Tae's boyfriend, he is a one of a guy, he helped A LOT, not just because he was his boyfriend, but because we were good friends, and the we had a bond between us, sounds short, but its much bigger than it sounds. That moment, those times of helplessness and insecurity, I can't forget those."

He wasn't crying anymore, but the look on his eyes was breaking me each time I looked.

"Now, after all these years, when I woke up each night to think we had no one, and it was supposed to be this way, and that at least we had each other, there they come. And what? They are taking Tae away and again I can't do anything about it, cause how can I? The law and everything is with them, plus, I can't be selfish and bring down Tae's future for me, of course they will be the better guide to him than I ever can. He will be happier, and have a big life, he'll...be...happy..." he said looking down, "I am weak, I have weak by every thing which has happened, and each of her words today, they stabbed me right in the weak places I-"

"Seokjin, you're strongest man I know, and I don't know how you can all yourself weak, the strongest, bravest, kindest and definitely the prettiest, and it's not your face, but you, you and your inside, you are a pretty person. You are beautiful, in every way. And...them taking him away, and you letting him go, for his sake, it's so selfless. You...how can you be so good? You're too good for this world, that is why you have been hurt so much, and I don't know how I will comfort you now, but I won't let you break. You're not alone anymore, are you? I'm here, and I'm not leaving."

He didn't speak, but his body loosened as he hugged me, his chin on my shoulder as he got closer, relaxing, I could here him softly whisper in my ear, "Thank you..." 

We stayed there for a while, for a long while and I have never felt this way in a long time, like I was the only thing he was holding onto, and this was an overwhelming feeling, that moment, when I knew after seeing the most vulnerable side of this man, after knowing from three aspects, I was falling for him. 

"Namjoon-ah?" He said.

"Yes?"

"Please don't go away."

"I won't."

It's a promise.