The Dark Side of Science

Chapter Forty-Six

(A/N: Words by Skylar Grey is perfect for this chapter. Listen to it. You won't regret it! Promise.

Thanks @eversaken for the recommendation yiew.

Oh and ya know *trigger warning* for this chapter. Awe. Fillerish whoops.

8k reads motherfucker!

Long Author's Note whoops again.)

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JESSICA'S P.O.V

I stopped dead in my tracks. Josh was laying in his bed, unmoving.

"J-Josh?" I slowly walked over to him.

"Josh are y-you okay?"

No reply.

"Josh can you hear m-me?"

No reply.

"Please Josh. Answer me."

No reply.

I got closer to him. I reluctantly felt his hand.

I reached his wrist. But felt nothing. No pulse. I realised he wasn't breathing.

"No. No. No. No. No. Josh. Josh!" I shook him, willing him to wake up.

I stepped back away from him, tripping in something. I looked down and saw a now empty bottle of sleeping pills.

"No!"

I screamed. I screamed so loud. So so loud. I probably permentantly damaged my eardrums and vocal cords. I screamed until Megan bolted into the house, then I slumped down onto the floor and huddled into a compact ball. Crying, just crying unstoppable tears.

"Jessica what's the matter? Oh my god."

As soon as she walked in she saw Josh and his unmoving body, and me clutching the pill bottle.

"Jess its alright." She tried comforting me.

"It's not alright! It's not alright!"

"There was nothing you could of done. It's not your fault." She said as she attempted to pull me to my feet.

"I could have. It is my fault Megan! It's all my fault." I sobbed.

"I drove him to it."

"Jess it'll be okay soon. I promise."

"Don't."

"Don't make a promise you can't keep."

"C'mon we need to get you out of here."

"We can't j-just leave h-him."

"We need to call emergency services."

"Why its too late now, he's already dead."

: * : * :

Megan forced me into the car. The trip was completely silent, other than my occasional sobs.

We pulled into the brick driveway. I unbuckled my seat belt and jumped from the car, basically sprinting up to my room, crashing down into my bed in exasperation.

I killed him.

I drove him to this.

I ruined him.

I had always thought he was strong, and I was the weak one.

His cocky smile, and arrogant personality masked it perfectly.

I never even knew he was like this.

That he was even capable of ending his own life, though he could end others.

He's gone.

There is so much I never did say to him.

I am drowning in my regrets, but now I can't take back the words I never said.

I want to pretend all of this never happened. To live in a cloak of denial. But where will that get me?

God I miss him.

But how can I feel sorry for myself when he's dead and its all my fault.

I fell asleep eventually, my pillow soaked, and my eyes swollen.

"Jessica?" I was startled my Megan's voice in the door way.

"Mm?" I mumbled lamely.

"Senior Constable Miller wants you to go down to the station."

"Right." I lazily got changed and headed downstairs.

: * : * :

"Hello Jessica." Officer Miller said sadly.

"Yeah." I said.

"So I understand you and Mr Ryan were close were you not?"

"Yeah ." I replied snappish.

"Did you know about his issue? He had anxiety and previously attempted sucide. We suspect his death to be suicide. "

What? Anxiety? How? He never even let me belive for a second. He hid it so so well.

"No I had no such knowledge."

"Right. One of our other officer's found this yesterday at the scene." He held up a screwed up piece of paper.

Jess

I can't do this anymore. I was never going to change. Even if you did forgive me, I would of hurt you again.
I am no good. I am like a faulty toy. You think I'm alright at first. Then you discover I'm fucked and get rid of me.
Its no use anymore.
Goodbye.
I love you.

-Josh

His writing. I felt tears sting my eyes. Damn I cry to much.

When Officer Miller saw I was finished he began to speak.

"Do you have any idea if anything triggered this?"

"No." I lied.

"Alright then, you can leave."

: * : * :

I couldn't shake the guilty feeling.

I felt so accountable.

I walked into the bathroom for a shower. I couldn't think straight at all, I was extremely despondent.

I opened the shower door, something hit the ground I looked down to see my razor to shave my legs.

I picked it up. But I couldn't put it away.

I got a pair of scissors out of the top draw of the cabinet.

I jammed the razor out of the plastic.

I sat on the tiled bathroom floor with the piece of metal in between my fingers.

I needed this. I deserved this. He should still be here.

I put a towel under my arm.

I lined up the blade with my wrist.

Slowly I placed pressure down and felt the razor break the skin.

I felt the warm trickle of blood roll across my arm.

It was bleeding profusely. I disgusted myself. What the fuck was I doing. And to think before this I was almost one month clean. I started feeling light headed.

"Jessica." Megan gasped as she opened the door.

"Oh my god what have you done." She shrieked.

"You need to get to the-"

Someone else entered the room.

"Jessica Murray you are under arrest. You need to come immediately."

"What do you mean? She hasn't done anything!"

"Ma'am we will take it from here. Jessica you will be under survalience until you are well enough to be-"

I blacked out completely.

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