The Dark Side of Science

Chapter Eighteen

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Slowly, very slowly. They stood up out of their chair. There legs were shaking all through the struggle of standing. They stood up for at least five seconds then abruptly sat down placing their head in their hands. Without thinking practically sprinted over to Beau. He had an unreadable expression on his face.

“Beau!” I squealed. “You, you stood up.”

“Yeah, I know.” He snapped.

“What? That’s great!” I cheered; I hadn’t noticed the group of surrounding people.

“Can you leave me alone?” Beau yelled.

The embarrassment washed over my face in an instant. I heard snickering and snide remarks. I was so hurt that Beau would be so rude. I could take insults but this was so different.

“But…” I attempted to redeem myself, hang onto the slip hope that he didn’t want me to leave.

“Just go.” He said forcefully.

I turned my back on him as I tried to pull myself together. The crowd of people dispersed. The soccer…or basketball game I don’t even know resumed.

“Jessica, what did he do to you?” Josh snarled.

“N-nothing.” I lied; Josh thankfully just let it go.

“Okay then, did you see the attention seeking brat stand up for like two seconds?” Josh cackled.

“Josh, don’t speak about him like that! Fuck it’s so disparaging.” I screamed out at him im front of everyone. Shit I really shouldn’t of done that.

Josh grabbed me by the sleeve of my red jumper. He dragged me up the hill. As we walked past a demountable classroom he forcefully shoved me behind it so we were concealed. He then just stood there. I started pushing the sleeves on my jumper up my arms.

“How fucking dare you speak to me like that!” he screamed at me.

“I am sorry.” I mumbled, not sure if I should be apologizing or not.

“You think sorry fixes everything! Don’t you?” he said he raised his arm up in the air and I flinched away. That's exactly what Beau said to me. They're right though. Sorry doesn't fix my fuck ups. 

“You thought I was going to hit you.” Josh’s voice was small; he said it more like a statement, not a question.

“No.” I lied; I actually did believe Josh was about to slap me across the face.

“Yes, yes you did. You flinched way from me.” His eyes were filled with genuine hurt.

I just stood there shuffling on my feet. I think Josh was waiting for a reply, a reply I was not willing to give.

Josh sighed, “I would never hurt you intentionally. Yeah I know I can lose my temper sometimes, most of the time I should say. But just know I can’t control it, it’s who I am. I accepted it and I hope you do to. I don’t want you to hate me. I want you to love me. Just like I love you.”

What did Josh just say. He loves me. No way, he’s just teasing.

“You can’t love me.” The words gushed out of my mouth before my brain had time to screen them. Stupid.

“Why can’t I love you? What’s not to love?” Josh sincerely asked.

Because I will never love you.

“Everything.” I mumbled as I covered my face with my hands. I did not like this conversation on little bit.

Josh brought his hand to my face; he lightly traced my cheek with the side of his finger.

“Jess, I love you. You can either take it or leave it.”

P.E. had finished and all the students we making their way up the hill, towards the change rooms. Josh grabbed me by the hand and led me up there. He gave me a swift kiss on the cheek and went over to the male change rooms.

“Aww that’s cute.” Jack taunted. Where the hell did he even come from?

“Can you shut up for once?” I snapped.

Jack rolled his eyes and walked away. I walked into the change rooms. I got changed slowly, extra slowly as I tried to get my head around what Josh had just said to me. Josh had just told me that he loved me. Love is a very heavy word, I never say it if I don’t mean it.

Josh shouldn’t have gone off at Beau; it’s so pointless this constant trying to get one up on each other. I’m with Josh. Beau needs to accept this; I am not breaking things off with Josh anytime soon. I can't. I'm terrified as to what will happen if I try to leave him right now.

Josh is in no way innocent in this little triangle. His constant degrading comments about Beau’s disability literally are disgusting. Especially because he caused it.

I am completely sick and tired of everything; I can’t control these stupid emotions. One minute I think I am something remotely similar to happy, the next I feel the deep dark hole inside me start to consume me with sadness. There was only one way that brought slight relief to the emotions constantly swimming in my head. The only way I knew how. I was the last person to leave the change rooms. In fact the teacher made me leave. I hurried into the toilet at the end of the bathroom.

I was over it. Over this life; just as I thought things were getting better.

: * : * :

What had I done? ried to mop up the blood with toilet paper. It just kept coming and coming. I panicked. The whole floor was blood stained. I tried to get up off the toilet but I had lost too much blood from the wound. I felt my head start to spin. I lost my balance and fell onto the floor, which was almost completely covered with my own blood. It was my own stupid fault. I let everything get to me to easily. I got so fed up I had to take to hurting myself like this. I just lay there, finally I closing my eyes. Almost positive they would never open again.