The Dark Side of Science

Chapter Twenty-One

“I’m so sorry Josh. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop myself. I did it because; well thats the thing, I did it because I didn't know what else to do. I fucked up. Please Josh.”

The tears started spilling out of my eyes. Even more rapidly then just moments before. I know I am messed up. The emotional pain I was feeling was almost unbearable. Like my heart was literally being pulled from the constraints of my chest. I couldn't begin to describe the pit of darkness that’s I felt that I was sinking deeper and deeper into every second of every day. I will never be okay again. I have accepted this. I will never be good enough. For anyone. I have accepted this. Josh should of let be bleed out on the germ infested bathroom floor. It would put me out of my misery. I am nothing. I am a tiny, insignificant being. If I was to lose my life it wouldn't affect the outcome of anything.

“Jessica? Baby you have to tell me.” Josh crooned as he lightly stroked my cheek.

The tears didn’t stop but I still managed to speak.

“Josh please don’t hate me?” I sobbed quietly, unable to look Josh in his wide, crystal blue eyes.

“Jessie baby, I could never hate you.” Josh grabbed my hand and squeezed in gently. “But I need you to tell me exactly what happened.”

Josh grabbed the box of tissues to wipe my eyes again. Had Josh changed? Maybe. Or deep down is this who he really is? I hope so.

“Josh don’t hurt Beau.” I said, my voice emotionless.

“What?” His voice had gone form soft to a terrifying growl.

“I said…” I started but was quickly interrupted by Josh.

“I heard what you said. Why? What the fuck did the fucked up cripple do now? Did he do this to you Jess? I will kill him Jess. I’m sorry that motherfucker needs to die!” Josh grabbed the glass full of water and hurled it at the nearest wall. It shattered into many pieces. It’s like it represented Josh’s heart. Shattered.

“No you can’t hurt him!” I shrieked. I know that Josh can and will kill Beau. When he gets the chance. I have hurt Beau enough, it more ways than one. I am the only one that can hopefully change Josh’s mind.

“Why Jessica? Why so when your sick of me you can go run off with him? So you have a backup plan? I’m not good enough for you?” Josh yelled as he threw his arms up in the air in. I noticed his wrist had a small tan colored bandage over it. I felt a sharp pang of worry surge through me.

“J-Josh what happened to your wrist?” I tried to keep my voice steady, but failed miserably.

“What? Nothing.” Josh snapped, quickly bringing his other and to cover the injury.

“Josh, you need to tell me what happened.” I am such a fucken hypocrite!

Like he was reading my exact thoughts Josh spoke.

“Jess I think the massive slash on your thigh is more important that a little cut on my wrist.” Josh sternly said.

“Ok Josh, if I tell you exactly what happened to me do you promise to tell me what happened to your wrist.”

“I promise you.”

I raised my eyebrows, silently asking him if he was for real.

“Pinky promise?” Josh joked. It earned a small giggle form me.

“Pinky promise.” I agreed as we locked fingers.

I sighed and grabbed the box of tissues. Knowing I would most definitely need them.

“Ok here goes. On the day that Beau stood up…” I stated.

“Yeah, I remember when the attention seeking brat stood up.”

I shot Josh a look implying for him to shut his mouth.

“Sorry.” He rolled his eyes.

“Anyway as I way saying. They day when Beau stood up was the same day that you first told me that you loved me…”

“Yeah and it won’t be the last baby.”

“We’ll see about that.” Hoping and praying that Josh didn’t hear me.
“What was that?” Shit.

“Uh. Nothing my head just feels really dizzy and shit.”

“Do you want me to get the nurse?” Josh said gesturing towards the door.

“No. No just let me tell you.” I brushed him off.

“Okay babe.” He sat back down on the edge on the bed.

“Well that day I had a lot on my mind. Beau really hurt me that day.” Before Josh could interrupt I continued. “Not physically, emotionally. I have to emphasize that Beau did not do this to me.” I said pointing to my leg.

“I had so much going on in my mind. I was so confused. Angry. Sad. Hurt. And I was pretty much convinced when you said you loved me you didn’t mean it.”

“Of course I meant it baby.” Josh gushed.

“Yes, I know that know.” I lied.

“Keep going.” Josh pressed.

“Well as I was saying. My emotions were too overwhelming. I just wanted to cry. But instead I dealt with my pain the only way that I knew how to.”

“What?” Josh’s voice was slow and drawn out.

“Well I went to the toilet. I sat there thinking about everything and crying and banginv my hands against the walls. But no, that wasn’t enough to let it all out. I rummaged through my bag for my scissors…”

“No.” Was all Josh said, but I continued. I had to tell him everything.

“I found the scissors, my sharp metal ones. I scratched my legs up with them. It wasn’t enough. The scissors weren’t relieving the pain I felt inside. I wanted the pain outside to match. So I looked through bag again. I found a razor of a foil box. I cut my leg deeper than I had ever. Quickly and deeply. It bleed to fast and too much. I didn't mean for it to happen. I slipped off the toilet onto the floor and lost consciousness.”

I looked over at Josh. His mouth was hanging open. He looked me in the eyes. Then abruptly stood up, left the room and slammed the door behind him.