Sander and Robbe, Minute by Minute

Magic and the River

They were lying entwined on the middle of the bed, their arms around each other. Sander; fingers toying with the angel pendant on Robbe's necklace, had never felt so radiant, so happy. Happy.. was inadequate, too poor a word. Robbe hugged him closer and kissed his forehead softly once, twice and nuzzled his temple. A luminious glow encompassed him, filling every cells of his body, his veins might as well aflamed with light, white and gold, magic, not blood. He was alive, alert in blissfullness. Divine.

"You know.. "

"Hm?"

"After our wedding, we'll spend our wedding night here." Sander and Robbe, forever, boundless, eternal.

Robbe chuckled sleepily, "Our wedding?"

Sander looked up at him, "We are getting married, right?"

Robbe stared at him and chuckled.

Sander rose up excitedly, "Or we'll throw a huge.." He threw the cover from him and stood up, "We'll throw a huge party and we'll get everyone in here."

He gestured his arms around the room, seeing it in his mind, "Everyone just all together." Champange. He grabbed the glass and swallowed the liquid, sweetness and glory touched his lips.

"Sander.."

He shrugged his shoulders and turned his head to Robbe, "What?" He took the cigarette and match from the table.

"Someone might see you."

He walked to the window and opened it, lit up the cigarette.

"Sander.."

Cool air hit him, fantastic on his skin. "There's no one here to see me," he said plainly.

Robbe laughed a smile.

"What?" He half-turned his body to Robbe.

"Nothing," he chuckled in amusement.

He turned fully around, "Is there something wrong with nudity, or what?" What's the problem? Everything is beyond perfect.

He arched his eyebrow and stated the fact, "Nudity is beautiful. Don't you think I am beautiful?"

Smiling, Robbe said, "I do."

Satisfied, he turned back to the window and continue smoking.

"Just come back," Robbe was saying. Sound of bed cover rustling.

A brilliant idea struck. Yes! Enthusiastically, he closed the window and gestured toward Robbe.

"I'll propose on a balcony," He wove his hand eagerly, picturing the tall open balcony and him standing there, "And I'll wait."

And it was the wedding day, bells, flowers, celebration. "Then I'll come and get you." He nodded excitedly, "With a white limousine. Tesla!" He nodded again to this image, his eyes opened wide. Wow, won't that be grand? Stellar. "And I am wearing a white suit." Nodding to Robbe. "You are as well." He offered him the cigarette.

"No, thank you." Smiles, dimples. Eyes. Naked skin under the cover.

"Or no, we'll just go naked." Capital. He laughed, "Yeah, we'll go naked."

"Naked?"

"Yeah," he put out the cigarrete.

"Sander."

"With a bow tie," Sander continued.

"What?"

"Just as a statement," He climbed the bed, leaned toward Robbe and said with absoluteness in him, "This is us. And we've got nothing to hide."

Vague puzzlement on Robbe's face. Uncertainty. What's to be hesitate about?

Sander moved closer, "Take it or leave it."

Robbe's eyes moved, left and right. A beat. He rose up and kissed him, circled his hand around his shoulder. Sander welcomed it and got under the cover, the presence of Robbe above him, around him. Sander kissed him with his soul and his passion, in his need and love, like tending a fire. They enfolded, wrapped around each other tightly, just breathed each other in.

*

"In how many universes are we lying like this right now?" Sander asked softly, wrapped in Robbe's arm, his head on his shoulder.

Robbe chuckled sleepily, "An infinite amount."

"No where as happy as we are."

A kiss on his forehead.

"I don't want this feeling to ever stop." Something was gripping on him. A shadow. Sander hugged Robbe more tightly, holding on to him.

"Me neither." Robbe stroked his hair and kissed his forehead again.

"Do you know what's the only way to keep this feeling?"

"Hem?"

"By dying along with it."

"Don't say something like that."

Sander looked up and smiled, "It was a joke."

"That was not funny," Robbe replied. What's that in his voice?

Sander glanced up and down his face and gave him an assuring kiss.

*

The light was out. Darkness around him, in him. He was in a roaring river, rushing water enveloped him, over him, under him, on all sides, hurtling him along. Flailing arms, nothing to grip on. Loud, so loud. Overlapping thoughts, images, colors. The laughing face of his dad, a small boy screaming gleefully, Sander get down from there! His mom wearing a light blue dress holding—, thud, laughters, smell of grass, pale skin, sun, a boy, crying, he's crying, black glass surface, what's that? river at night, death, coffin in the middle of a room, women and men dressed in black, where are —? why— you leave? His grandmother, sleeping, lying, white, flowers in her hand, a boy's voice, was — is it his voice? Why won't you wake up? There was a cat, a cat, a cat, staring at him from up high at the— a boy was shouting, whimpering in pain Stop sto— please, kicks and punches, dirty alley, black on his palm, groaning, fucking fag— hazel eyes soft black eyes Robbe skatepark Sander in his arms listening to Bowie again? Robbe holding his hand across the table You are my only bo— I am just worried him singing in his room to Bowie nothing can keep us together. Drowning. It's so hot, why is the room so hot?

Sander got up, "It's hot." He went to the window and opened it, "Aren't you hot?" His head ached, he leaned on the window sill. His chest was tight, and it's hard to breathe.

A murmur, "Lie back down."

The roaring was deafening. What's that? Where was I? He couldn't kept up with them. He swayed, touching the glass, the arm of the sofa, the wall, he turned to the window, closing it, opened it halfway and closed it again. He paced and paced. Robbe. Robbe was lying on the bed, the boy he loved so, so much. Sander went and sit on the bed. His skin was itching, he scratched at his back, he wanted to get out of it. Nothing lasts, nothing ever lasts.

"Come, try and get some more sleep." Robbe's mumble, pulling softly on his arm.

Sander pulled on that voice desperately, like a lifeline. He lay back and felt Robbe's arm over him, Sander hold that arm in his, trying to pull himself to the shore. He tried and tried, slowing his breathing, hanging on to Robbe, but the river was so strong, lashing, buffeting at him. He was so tired. Suffocating.

"I— I am hungry."

He got up, "The Meir," He stumbled to the door, mumbling, "They got great hamburgers there." He opened the door and walked out.

Note: I tried to depict the peak of mania as best I could, I did some research,  but of course I wouldn't really know the reality of mania, and I hv to align them with what portrayed in the show. If you hv any experience or you know more, pls don't hesitate to comment, tq : )