Sander and Robbe, Minute by Minute

Nothing Major

On Monday, Sander hardly got up from bed. He slept and slept, and hours passed without him having even the slightest spark to care about anything. On Tuesday afternoon, he met his doctor.

"How are we feeling today?" She smiled at him.

We? Sander snorted.

She waited, looking at him with a pair of dark grey eyes. Sander sat on the chair, saying nothing.

She asked, "On the scale of one to ten?"

A beat. "Four, maybe." He glanced at her name tag.

She flipped the pages on his file. "Did you always take your medication regularly or were there times when you skip them?"

"I did take them."

She looked up at him, "Regularly?"

A pause. "Sometimes I didn't."

"How about the days leading to your crash?"

Sander thought about this. "I thought I did. I am pretty sure I did take them, but maybe I missed some doses. I don't know."

She nodded, "Okay, we had adjusted your meds, and we will continue to monitor in the next days and see the result."

She said again, "Why do you think, you skip your medication Sander?"

Sander shrugged. She waited. Sander said, "Sometimes, it just felt like it didn't work at all. Sometimes, I just felt like it interfered with—" He stopped.

"With what, Sander?"

He inhaled and said, "With myself, with my happiness." He resumed, "I don't think I really decided to not take it, it just slipped.. but it's not like I was entirely not aware of it."

She said gently, "You can not skip your dose even when you feel like you don't need them. It could be worse when you were off them abruptly."

Sander just nodded. "Is that all, pills? Because sometimes it was still bad even when I took them."

"Medication is not a cure all. In your case, your medication appeared to play a part in your last episode, which is why we are adjusting them. But it is also your life style, diet, stress level. Were you not provided with this information when you were diagnosed?"

"I was."

"Is there something stressing happening right now?"

Pause. "Nothing major."

"How about your consumption of alcohol, cigarette and drugs?"

"I am not totally stupid," Sander answered irritatingly. She waited patiently.

"Everything is moderate, mostly."

"Do you drink coffee, tea or other caffeinated beverages?"

"Coffee."

"You have to cut back on your consumption."

"I can't live without coffee." Dr Ava looked at him quietly.

Okay, that was a bit childish. Sander said, "Fine, moderate then."

She said, "It's better to not cut it off abruptly."

How does coffee even taste like? Right then, he found it hard to care.

"Are you having any dark or disturbing thoughts?"

Sander stared at her in wry amusement. He said after couples seconds, "Nothing suicidal."

She gazed at him with that grey eyes. Those are beautiful, like stormy ocean, Sander observed detachedly.

"What is it that you love Sander? That you enjoy to do, and find pleasure in doing?"

Nothing. He said, "Art. Nature."

She smiled warmly, "That's marvellous. I love art too. You can do art here, we provide all the tools. Also chess and puzzles."

Sander nodded.

"Physical exercises could help a lot and also healthy, balance and nutrious diet. I could give you a list?"

"I know that already." Sander continued, "I take walks. Long ones sometimes."

"That's good."

Sander asked, "Will I have to depend on medication my whole life?"

"This thing could change Sander. It takes time."

Sander nodded.

After a moment she said in a gentle voice, "It will get better Sander, you know that right?"

A beat. "I know."

"Yo do want to get better right?"

Silence. Sander opened his mouth, "I do."

"We are not defined by our illness. It might feels like it sometimes, but it's not true. You know that right?"

Except for the fact that people defined you by it.

She said, like she had read his mind, "Many people might not understand, they might have misconception or do not have the proper information, they might misjudge you. It can be tiring to explain, but you have to remember, it's a part of you, but it's not all of you."

She gazed at him again. "Don't forget that."

Sander nodded, "I know."