One-shots [Reqs: 5]

Shitpost

we haven't had a good ol' heckpost in a while

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Cross stared up at Killer with shining eyelights. Killer grinned, leaning down to whisper, "You have beautiful eyes."

Cross blinked, his mouth opening. "Bu- I don't have eyes-"

--

"I don't leave my room often," Dust announced. "The times I do, it's to go annoy someone. But there are times when I go to do just that, I see easy prey on the couch. I stop and think to myself, 'What if I startle this person and get stabbed?' And that never ends well."

Horror was already wheezing as Dust paused and continued. "Right, so I decide, if I get stabbed, then it's good enough grounds for me to stab them back. And if the court asks, I'll say it was in self-defense, becAUSE I LIVE ALONE AND THERE'S A PERSON ON MY COUCH-"

--

Blue took in a deep breath, knocking on the door. It clicked open, Ink filling in the doorway. "Oh, so you're the pizza guy?"

Blue nodded, ever cheerful as he held up the pizza box. "Yup! That'll be 12.85." Ink shifted, stepping back into his house, "Come in?" Blue hesitated but stepped into the house. Ink moved away to lean against the kitchen counter, fiddling with his scarf. "So, uh, I don't have any cash-"

"Then why the fuck did you order pizza?? Fucking idiot." Blue kicked the door open and left Ink standing there with his jaw hanging open.

--

"So." Dream took on a business stance, leaning on his elbows and looking around the table with a sharp gaze. Killer, Dust, Horror, and Cross all avoided his gaze. "Who stole the last raspberry lemon muffin." Nightmare watched passively from behind Dream, silently cramming a muffin wrapper in his pocket.

--

"I'm gay."

"I'm pansexual."

"Demi."

"Ace."

"Bi."

"I'm- wait a fucking minute, why'd you say that?!"

Cross laughed nervously, "Because I'm bisexual?" Dust rolled his eyes, "God, Cross, just because you're bi doesn't mean you're better than us."

"What??"

"You said bye!"

"That's because I'm bi!"

"Guys, no-"

"He's tryna leave!"

"N-no, I-"

Killer recorded the exchange with a smirk. What a bunch of idiots.

--

"Hey, boss?" Nightmare hummed, "What is it, Killer?" Killer wrung his hands, nervously asking, "What do you call the offspring of an octopus?" Completely taken off guard, Nightmare looked up from his book. "I'm sorry what???" Killer repeated the question, though more confidently.

"Killer, if this is another joke about my tentacle, I swear I'm-"

"Humor me, bossman." Nightmare sighed. "Fine. What?" Killer clapped his hands, a child appearing in front of him two seconds later, "You call 'em Crescent!"

--

(what a way to introduce crescent lmfao)

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Cross waved his arms around, looking bewildered out of his mind. "I'm literally a fucking t r e e."

Killer cleared his throat, "You phrased it wrong, it's 'I'm literally fucking a tree.' And it should be plural, if you add Dream to the equation."

--

Crescent poked Cross curiously, one of his thumbs in his mouth. "Dahdee?" Cross flushed, shaking his head, only for Killer to jump in with a grin. "No, honey, he's my da-." Cross shouted, clapping his hands on the side of the kid's skull. "Don't you dare finish that!"

--

Dream sucked in a sharp breath, yellow blood oozing through his grit teeth. Nightmare stared down at him apathetically, "You ready to talk?" Dream opened his mouth to curse him, but was interrupted by a door slamming. Footsteps rapidly approached the room they were in, though they were too light to be a rescuer. To his shock, though, a child bearing an uncanny resemblance to Nightmare burst into the room with a shout. "Daddy! Look!"

Nightmare turned with a groan, catching the child as they threw themself at Nightmare, waving a paper around excitedly. "Crescent, I told you not to disturb me when I'm workin- Oh my gosh, did you draw this?" Crescent beamed, "Momma told me you'd like it!" The kid's smile faltered, "Do you?" Nightmare took the drawing, grinning and basically nuzzling the child affectionately, "It's so good, Cres. Go tell papa to put it on the fridge."

Crescent squirmed his way out of Nightmare's hold, taking the drawing and leaving a messy skele-kiss on Nightmare's cheek, "Okay, Daddy!" The kid sprinted away, his footsteps loud in the hallway. Once the door slammed, Nightmare's smile vanished and he'd dropped back into that cold demeanor. Dream was smirking now, looking horribly amused. "So. Daddy, huh?" Nightmare hissed, "Keep that filth out of your mouth. And do not even think about going after Crescent."

--

(lmfao not even two hours later)

"DADDY!! UNCA DUST ATE MY CANDY!!" The same kid was sobbing now, his tiny hands in tight fists. Nightmare looked up, scowling. He picked up Crescent, melting into the shadows, radiating fury. Dream gaped at where the two had been. Nightmare was back quickly, seeming pleased with himself, and Dream could only imagine what horrors he'd missed.

--

i have no more funnies :(

oh, and I can't remember who asked for it, but i'm doing my best to finish that bad sans poly shenanigans request. i can't remember if there were any other requests i haven't done, but feel free to ask for it again, or to ask for something different! please lmao, i really want to have goals and things to do during the summer or i'll go insane.