Back to the Future

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%% Spring 2023%% THE FUTURE CHAPTERS ARE INTERMITTED HERE AND THERE. FEEL FREE TO SKIP TO THE NEXT CHAPTER IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED. THE NEXT CHAPTER CONTINUES FROM WHERE THINGS WERE LEFT IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER.

"Hello, this is Linda speaking, from Maledetto Mental Hospital. I am Aphrodite's nurse. She is very sick right now and would like to say goodbye to her children. We have had a lot of trouble finding you, but finally someone gave us this number. Is this Deity? Aphrodite would like to speak with you. Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?"

It was with those words, last Friday, that Depression proposed to me to be his eternal lover. Because I wasn't going to recover from such a call, especially since the person who requested it, was supposed to be dead.

Now me and Depression have been seeing each other for a while and it's going great. Thanks for asking. We are inseparable.

And instead of thinking about picking up the phone and calling back sweet Linda, I muse on whether humans are inherently good or evil. And I need an answer to this question, because if the answer is evil, then maybe I can forgive myself for what I did.

If I didn't do it, I wouldn't have received a phone call from a dead person.

Ever since the phone call thing happened, I wrestle to lock the memory of what I did inside some remote part of my brain where I cannot see it. But mind you, the memory of what I did that night is too well carved in my mind to forget.

It's the reason no one will ever love me again. My Achille's heel of shame.

The reason Oliver left.

At the thought of Oliver an invisible knife slices my chest and pain outpours from my heart to the rest of my body.

The September warm air still hugs the bedroom in a comfortable embrace, but instead of making me feel good, it strangulates me with anxiety. Because this was the kind of weather of my high school days at the boarding school in the tropical islands.

Warm and welcoming.

The weather of my high school days in that tropical paradise, the place where I finally met my idol. The person who went from being a poster in my bedroom and a dream in my mind to my actual boyfriend.

It was the kind of weather me and Oliver would enjoy together under the palms on the secret beach underneath the school.

Alvin and Wataru would be wrestling each other on the beach and then attempt to eat all the food before anyone could have a bite. Rebecca would be intrigued by something Cara said.

Karla, aka the girl with the violet hair used to join us at first, when me and Oliver had just started dating, and I could see in her eyes that she thought me and Oliver wouldn't last. And that she couldn't wait for the moment we broke up.

The more serious the relationship between me and him got, the least we saw of her.

Until it was close to the end obviously. I don't know how she knew, but she started to reappear everywhere, and I should have taken that omen as my clue that my days with him were about to be over.

The memory of me being in Oliver's arms at the beach starts to ache.

Oliver has been long gone out of my life now.

The memory at the beach was 4 years ago. One of the lasts I have with him.

But it is as clear in my memory as it had happened just yesterday.

Because I have a problem: I can't forget anything.

Therefore I can't let go of the past.

Therefore I can't move on.

So I live in pain for what I lost, with the same intensity, every, single, day.

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