The POPSTAR that got away

The monster within

The person inside my mind seems to have had a change of heart and is having a panic attack about what I just did.  I interpret it as a bad omen. 

For a few moments I can't help it by speed fast into my mind and I can't see the outside world. There are just waves of panic and myself getting lost in my own mind. Chaotic darkness. 

I try to snap out of it and panic really hits me when I realise I am not just having one of my moments where I start day dreaming with open eyes, something my dad would punish me for because he said I was going to become as crazy as my mum, but I have actually lost control of reality.

I try screaming but I can't figure out where my mouth is. Breathing gets harder and harder and I start to feel claustrophobic, lost in the darkness, unable to breath. 

I try to move by arms, bring them to my throat, but I can't. I can't move anything at all.

The fear hugs me thightly and doesn't allow me to breath, exist.

Then I hear it. Oliver's voice, somewhere in the darkness. He is singing in front of many people and I am still young, I am at the concert at the island with Fede because I have never did that thing that forced me and Gio to go live with my dad and never see her again. 

Me and Fede are very close to the stage, almost underneath it. 

I can only guess we have arrived days earlier to get that amazing spot. 

As the band performs my eyes only stay on Oliver until everything else fades in the background and I can only see him. 

I crave to touch it and yell his name again and again with the rest of the crowd. 

I keep hoping he'll turn towards me, even for just a second. I want him to see me, think something about me, maybe even like what he sees. Being enfatuated and wanting to know more about me. 

But he just keeps singing and the concert is almost over. 

The band announces they are going to sing the last song. 

So I scream his name louder, hoping somehow my voice will make it through the crowd of tens of thousands. 

Maybe it was my scream or maybe just pure chance but he does turn towards me. 

While he is singing passionately his song he turns towards me and sees me. 

At first he is just scanning the crowd and his eyes only land on me for half a second but as he is moving them away again to look some other part of the crowd he stops and turns around again. 

He looks around where I am in the crowd, searching me. 

I am so shocked he saw me that I stop yelling and jumping up and down. I just stand there, still. 

I look helplessly as he scans the crowd and doesn't find me anymore. 

The song is almost over and he looks absolutely desperate in his quest to find me. 

My heart ache but I can't move anymore. 

Finally he finds me and his eyes meet mine again and he stops singing and says my name with so much need my heart almost breaks.

"Deity" he repeats a couple of time, as if he can't believe it's really me. 

But then my brain reminds me I have never gone to that concert. But my brain also cannot tell me where I am, where I should be right now. It looks like it has stopped functioning. 

Yet that moment at the concert feels real, like if it should have happened. Like if it has actually has happened, maybe to another version of me. 

Ans then I hear the voice again "Deity, Deity, follow the voice". 

It's Oliver's voice, I realise full of excitement. 

I follow it with urgency, because I might as well be dead, but all I want is to see him and if being dead means being with him then I am fine with that. 

So I follow the voice and I take a path engraved in darkness that leads to the light. 

It takes me just a few moments but then I am out again. 

I am in Oliver's bathroom. I feel confused and slow in my head. I try to move my body but panic overtakes me again as I realise I can't. 

I must be laying on the floor and Oliver looks worried on top of me. 

Then the door of the bathroom opens and his friends barge in. 

They bursts into laughter and my blood freezes when I realise one of them has a knife in his hand. 

I try to move my body but once again I can't and I can barely breath and I am running out of air and all I want is to draw in as much air in my lungs as I can. 

And then I see a reflection of myself on Oliver's friend's knife and I look absolutely terrified. 

Like a fox about to be skinned alive for its fur. 

Are they about to kill me? By making me suffer? They gave me a drug that immobilised me so I can't escape while they torture me. 

Tears of fear start flooding my face. 

The guys around me are moving their mouths, laughing, but I can't make out any sound.

Then I see Oliver standing up. His torso's skin looks smooth and of a wonderful yellowish colour under thanks to whatever is going on in my brain because of the drug. 

Everything looks weird and distorted. Too far away to be real. 

I see Oliver pushing the others outside. 

Then I see him lunging towards me and I close my eyes in fear. 

But as soon as I do I get lost in colours. Not just opaque colours that I can blink away. It's an explosion of colours that blind my field of view with their power and they dance around in random order and shapes and that is all I can see.

As fear overtakes me, a thought flashes though my mind. Maybe, after all, it wasn't Austin I had to be guarding myself from. But Oliver looked so mature, so nice. 

Someone is lifting me up and I wonder if it's Oliver or his friends. 

I wonder what they are going to do to me now. Maybe super famous stars play these kind of games when they get bored of a life where they already have everything. They need this kind of deviant thrills.

Panic feels my lungs which already have trouble filling with air and the lack of it starts to make me very dizzy and uncomfortable. 

I want to kick and yell but I am both paralysed and unable to talk. 

Whatever this drug is, it has total control of my body. 

And soon they will have control over me too. 

Maybe it's lame but I'd much rather them rape me than use that knife on me. 

But why would they want to rape me when Oliver could have had me if he just asked? Is it the thrill of taking something by force?

That is why I am fairly sure they didn't do this to rape me, they did this to torture me, hurt me very badly and I won't be able to move or scream. 

I feel warm tears wetting my cheeks and I wonder why I have put myself in this situation. 

"Are you ready? It will start soon," he says, making every fiber of my body shiver in fear.