The POPSTAR that got away

Two dangerous experiences

The traumatic experience that now flashes in front of my eyes as I sit in Oliver's bathroom, about to have sex with him, happened when I was still living with my mum. 

It was John who did it. 

John's mum was the principal of our school, she was enamoured with my mum's shop and often came over with her son. 

John was the most popular guy at school, quarterback captain with a cheerleader over-achiever girlfriend, Allie. 

Now, I had my fair share of girls which I disliked for all the wrong reasons, but Allie really deserved the hate I harboured for her and maybe even now I think she is one of the worst people I have ever met. 

Because Allie was very enamoured with herself. She bossed her friends and her boyfriend around like puppets in such a way that she looked more like a caricature of a mean girl in a book than a real person. Yet somehow she existed in this world and breathed the same air as me. 

Allie's dad often took her and the school's cool kids with him hunting. 

Allie loved hunting and boys drooled over her for that. 

That and her impossibly perfect body.

Over the years she posted quite a few pictures of her preys, which often looked too cute to have died such a death.

I remember there was this one time when on the school's newspaper there was on the first page a picture of a racoon with both his hands in a trap. It was a very young little fluffy racoon and the sight of it near its imminent death at the hands of humans that killed him to steal his fur made me cry. It didn't help the article explained animals were often skinned alive in the practice of getting their fur. 

What broke my heart the most was the sight of the mother racoon and the other small racoons watching helplessly on the side, at the very end of the picture.

Now, I had a huge crush on the leader of our school's newspaper, Thomas. He seemed so much more mature than his age. His articles were always stunning. His articles taught the school so many things that I had no idea were happening around the world. 

The same way I did it with Oliver, I never once confessed to Thomas, I just watched him from afar.

Deeply tightened by my own insecurities and the bad rumours that circulated at school about me, I never thought I had anything to offer to Thomas. 

But anyways, back to the racoon's picture that brought me to tears in class.

Allie shouted in class "What's the racoon's safe word?" in a reference to BDSM practice since the racoon looked like it was in handcuffs. 

At that moment rivers of tears erupted from my eyes. I so much wished the math professors heard, but she was not in class because we had to come 15 minutes earlier every morning to read the newspapers in silence.

Allie was a cruel heartless monster in my eyes.

And to the eyes of the school I was the weird girl who was violent towards her own mother, a closeted lesbian at a time when it wasn't allowed to be so, and someone who was not able to put two words together to save her life and very stupid.

John wasn't like Allie, he was a good guy, I was sure of that.

I loved the times his mum drugged him to my mum's shop. With time I had learned their schedule and always made sure to be there. 

My mum wasn't thrilled by my presence, so it was slightly sad to be there. I also had to avoid spending time with Gio. Gio would cry and beg me to play with him and I had to continually say no.