BETWEEN REVENGE AND LOVE

03

Saturday, 26/08/1995

You are dancing.

Dancing. With your hands in the air, your blond locks everywhere. You're happy. Extuberant.

You are what it feels to be alive.

For me, at least.

You give me strength and you give me hope. The mere fact that you're here does, the sight of you.

Ever since I got here I've been waiting. Waiting, for my chance to come. My chance to say all the things to you, that are still left unsaid. Because oh, there are many, so many words weighing on my soul that you need to know before I leave here.

Here. Blaise's place. An overly huge house with an overly huge living room - and an overly huge crowd that's partying all through it, dancing and singing frolicsomely.

It's not a particularly good time and place for what I have in mind. But not as if I'd have any other options either. This is the first time we meet in so long. Well, you haven't even seen me, as far as I'm concerned, so we haven't met yet. We will.

We will, once I have pulled myself together, one I get up and walk over to you. Once I'm not sitting on this sofa anymore, that seems to be able to swallow me whole. 

Maybe, I'd like that. To sink into the cushions, deep into the crevices between them. Away from the music that thunders in my ears, the lights. Away from you, Astoria.

But I can't because I need us to be... something. I need you to want me again. Because I miss you; God, I want you so bad. I want you to be by my side forever and ever and ever.

The first few efforts I make to push myself up are ridiculous. The glimpse at you is heady, the alcohol, the drugs and you again. 

Have I defeated myself? Am I too intoxicated now to reach you? I need you to come save me, I wish you could notice that. 

That I am lost without you. Lost and desperate and certainly all alone.

There. There my sister dances. My foe. I spot her just as I'm about to try to stand up again. Her sight is suffocating. Causing me worry and making me angry; now that I realise how close she is to you.

Closer to you than I'd like her to be. Closer than I'd like anyone to be to you.

This time I didn't miss her eyes flickering over to me all so hastily. Has she been watching me? Another glance of hers gives me certainty. She's been watching me. She's been watching you. She's been watching us.

But I can't change that. I can't protect us from her maddened mind. I can't protect you from anything.

I know that, watching her dance, watching her laugh. With you.

Watching her, having fun, throwing smiles. At you.

Watching her getting closer. To you.

Please. Tell me that I'm dreaming. That it's not real that she just took your hand.

Tell me that I'm dreaming, it can't be real that she did. Please.

She can't be taking your hand.

And she can't be dancing with you.

She does not belong there, your arms do not belong around her neck, nor her hands on your waist, nor her lips on yours.

This can't be real.

No, it can't, it can't be real.

That should be me. That should be me in your arms and mine on your lips.

Agony jumpstarts my sluggish heart. Run, it screams. Run somewhere, anywhere but here.

You can't stay here, Y/n. You need to leave here. Now!