BETWEEN REVENGE AND LOVE

15

Thursday, 11/09/1995

Water pours down on me, wonderful, wonderful warm water. It hugs me gently, soaking my hair slowly. Merlin, how I needed this.

I take my time, feeling how, slowly but noticeably, relief greets my tense muscles and warms my cold flesh.

I still smell Daphne's Lemongrass shampoo in the humid air I breathe as I step out of the shower. Drying myself off with a towel I look at my drowsy, slack self in the small mirror of our bathroom. 

Today is the day.  

I'm going to talk to Theo. 

It has to be. 

I know what I must do to make sure of it. 

I have to tell someone about it. 

Someone who'd otherwise force me to do it themselves. And who would be better than Tracey in that matter? 

I'm sure she'll be perfect insurance. 

"I kissed Theo," I mumble, watching my tired face. 

"Theo kissed me." 

"Theo and I kissed." 

How do I tell her? Especially the part that it happened days ago and I didn't tell her then. I know she's not going to be very pleased about it. 

She'd probably have wanted me to wake her up the instant I came back into our dorm and tell her everything. Maybe that's what I should have done. 

Do I really need to tell her?

Yes, yes I need to. 

But her? 

I don't want her to be mad at me.

"Morning."

I turn to look at her, at Tracey, who's standing in the doorway. Alright, I'll tell her. This is fate. Or why else would she have shown up right at this moment? 

"Slept well?" 

How am I supposed to tell her this?! 

"Quite," she mumbles, making her way over to me. "I had this dream where McGonagall turns Adrian into an otter and then starts wrestling with him again." 

"Again?"

"I know, strange, right? Had it at least twice within the last two weeks."

We laugh and that feels good, easing. 

"Tracey?" I ask, watching her apply toothpaste to her toothbrush. "I think I have to tell you something."

"Is that a question? Out with it." 

She eyes me curiously, a little worried too. I didn't want to make her worry. But there is no un-saying things. I'll have to pull through now. It'll be for the better anyway. 

"I," I pause, staring at the white tiles on the wall in front of me. "I kissed someone." 

"You did?" 

"Yes. Theo." 

Clonk. It's the noise Tracey's toothbrush made falling and landing in the sink, distributing splashes of toothpaste in all directions. Onto the mirror, the tiles, both our faces.

"Eww?!"

Eww? Is that how she feels about it? 

Overwhelmed as to how I should react I quickly shove my own toothbrush into my mouth and start scrubbing. "Ouu eally ink is tha isguing?"

"Sorry, I don't speak toothbrush."

"Huh?"

"I can't understand anything you're saying, Y/n."

Now, all so soon I give up on my toothbrush again. The mouthful of toothpaste I wished would help me get away without having to give her further explanations rinses down the drain. Anxiously I watch it disappear. 

"I was asking if you really think it's that disgusting."

"When did I say that?" Her expression's indignant.

"Your first reaction was 'Ewww', what could that possibly mean other than disgust?"

What do I feel? Reproach? Disappointment? 

Whatever I imagined would happen, this is certainly not it. 

"No, no my toothbrush touched the sink!" An energetic gesture on her part instructs me to look at the sink, which admittedly doesn't look all that appetizing.

"It's rancid. That was what that 'eww' was for, not you and Theo."

She shakes her head explicitly, filling my chest with bursting relief.

"Anyway," she smiles, picks up her toothbrush, and starts to rinse it out with water. "You can go on now. Don't you dare spare me from the details, tell me everything."

"Alright," sighing I tousle through my hair, "A few nights ago th-"

"A few nights ago?!" Reproach hails down on me. Rightfully so? 

"Believe me I-," I start, trying to explain myself, "all this time passed before I knew it and once I realised I should probably tell you I was sure you'd get mad at me for not telling you right away."

I look at her, lower lip pushed forward: pouting. 

"It was the middle of the night and we were in the common room," I tell, "together. Then, well yes, then we happened to be kissing all of a sudden?" 

"You happened to be kissing?" 

Out of her mouth, it does sound ridiculous. But that's exactly how it was, how I remember it: we happened to be kissing. Suddenly and most unexpectedly above all.

Silently we look at each other. The speech about how I shouldn't go around kissing sketchy strangers in the nightly common rooms is probably in coming.  

But Theo is no sketchy stranger, not at all! He's a... friend? 

That's what I'd tell her if she'd start lecturing me, I guess. She doesn't. No speech, no lecturing. 

"Consider yourself forgiven." A smile tugs the corners of her mouth into a broad grin. "What'd he say afterwards? You must've talked since then?"

"Not much." 

Fuck. She hit the mark exactly. 

No, theoretically it's good where this conversation is going. Very good even. I wanted to back up my plan with their help, and that is what will be done next.

"Not much? What's that supposed to mean? You just kissed completely out of bloody context? Without any explanation or, I don't know, justification?"

"I know how bad it sounds, but it wasn't possible to talk, I was very busy with school, he was too. I'll talk to him. Today!"

"Today?"

"Today." 

"Promise?"

"Promise."