BETWEEN REVENGE AND LOVE

16

Tuesday, 11/09/1995

"I must remind you that you need to work on your essays on the Inanimatus Conjurus spell," Professor McGonagall announces loudly through the restless classroom, ending this lesson at last.

I am too; restless. Fed up with this topic already. And this bloody essay.

I'll Hopefully fill my lunch break with something worthwhile, not with complicated spells or anything complicated for that matter.

With eating, for example. I'm starving.

Or a nap? A nap would do great.

Yawning I hoist myself out of my chair, shoulder my bag, and am about to make my escape here, until I'm not.

Theo didn't even say anything, he didn't need to. All it took for me to know was merely him standing there, a few feet away at his table. Silently staring.

He wants to talk, of course, he does. 

What do I do?

Go talk to him? 

Right now?

Come on, do it.

Don't be such a coward Y/n, he's hardly going to bite you. It's Theo he's gonna be nice and-

"Is it me you're waiting for?" I ask, cutting off my own stupid whirling thoughts.

With a few large steps, he's at my side. 

"Got time for me now?"

His smile calms me, uneasy and warm, his obvious nervousness. Nervousness. Here we go. Draco would love this.

"I do."

His face has written relief all over it and I'm all the more sure that this is the right thing to do.

I still don't know what it is that I'm going to tell him, or what he's going to ask in the first place, but I guess it'll come when the time is there.

"Let's make this quick," he clears his throat as we step out into the corridor. "As I know how busy you are, right?"

"Right," I laugh, feeling a little guilty. He knows that it wasn't schoolwork that led me to postpone this conversation again and again. He's not stupid.

"Right," he sighs, "fine, so, I kissed you. I really kissed you, told you stuff about being jealous - absolutely ridiculous. I told you what I feel... even though I didn't plan to, never did."

I don't want him to reject me. But this conversation reached the point where that part would probably fit well. He'll ask me to forget it, to never think of it again. 

"But I liked it, I like you." He shrugs, helplessly awkward. "I'd do it again any time, kiss you. The only thing I need to know is if you would too."

Theo. Sweet, sweet Theo.

What do I tell him? What do I tell him?!

That I, the heartbroken, desperate, vengeful mess, that's hardly capable of love at the moment yet wishes for nothing more than to be loved, would like to kiss him again? Is that what he'd want? Is that what I'd like to tell him?

No.

I'd like to forget about the heartbroken-desperate-vengeful-mess part. Immediately.

What do I tell him then?

I don't know.

I. Don't. Know.

I know what he wants to hear. And to tell him I like him wouldn't even be a lie.

I do want him. I do need him. 

But if we were to be together what would become of my plans?

What would become of Draco?

Nothing would work out anymore.

"Give me a week, or," he starts again, for I have not yet said a word, "a day? A butterbeer at the three broomsticks? Sunday? I don't know, give us a little bit of time together. We could try."

I sigh, kneading my fingers.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck it.

What do I tell him?!

I have to make a decision. Now.

But I fear Theo doesn't stand much of a chance compared to my other option.

It's either him or revenge, him or Draco. Draco and a crying Pansy. 

I don't want to give him up.

Can't there be another way?

There has to be.

I really don't want to give him up.

"Sunday would be lovely."

Fuck it. 

Fuck it, I like him.