BETWEEN REVENGE AND LOVE

04

Thursday, 31/08/1995

Everything is packed now. My robes, my nightgown, my books. Packed and cried on.

Tomorrow morning I'll be leaving, leaving here, for Hogwarts that awaits me.

I should close it now, my trunk, it's time.

It's time to go to sleep.

It's time to part.

Part; from what I've known. From the idea of you and me. From the thought of an us.

There is no us. Not here, not in Hogwarts. There will not be an us.

Maybe someday again. But how will I be able to survive until then? When will "someday" come?

Too late, I fear. In any way, I'd need to forget you until then. Until you decide to love me again I must forget. To survive.

Not only you but Pansy too.

But after all this time I spend hating, crying, yearning - loving - after all this time I spend loving you, how could I possibly forget you? How could I not feel what's missing in my heart since you've been gone?

And her, how could I forget her and what she's done? Pansy robbed me of you, she did.

She broke my trust long ago. It's nothing I hadn't grieved over yet.

But this, this broke my heart all over again. For she knew how much you meant to me - still. She knew our love; watched it play out like a spectator watches a game. 

Watched it thrive and die. 

Watched us win and lose.

That I would succeed that night and talk things out with you, that wasn't promised. But now I'll never know if I maybe could have won you over. Now I'll never know if maybe, maybe you still need me too.

How could I forget that? 

Ruined chances, for what? For nothing. I can't forget what she did and I can't forgive her either.

That does mean I won't find peace. I know. That does mean I let myself be haunted by those memories. I know.

But if memories are the only thing I have left from you, why try and get rid of them? Why not keep them? Why not protect them? Even if they're not all good.

To cling to the bliss they give me, is, after all, the only thing that'll comfort my hapless heart.