BETWEEN REVENGE AND LOVE

26

Monday, 30/09/1995

Stuffy hot humid air and light drizzle hit me as I step outside and start trudging towards the Quidditch field. 

I am alone, because neither Tracey, Blaise nor Daphne are anywhere to be found. 

They're probably already there, Theo and Draco anyway, since they're on the team. 

At first, I didn't recognize it, but Pansy is walking in front of me a few yards ahead. 

The thought of her hurts, the thought of her with Astoria, the thought of our lousy relationship. It's a real shame how everything went down the drain. But I don't intend to, and never will put up with her. It would only bring me more bad than good.

 The rain increases and I quicken my steps. Pansy, however, doesn't. So I catch up with her, coming closer and closer. Through clenched teeth, I desperately hope that she'll ignore me as I ignore her. Should I speak to her after all?

 That's probably the stupidest idea I can possibly have right now, I don't know where it comes from. Maybe from the dissatisfaction about our relationship. Siblings who hate each other are always a difficult case of grief. It hurts to be with them, but you're never completely well without them either. It's stupid. And no, I decide, I'm certainly not going to talk to her. 

Just a few big steps, then I'll be past her, I'll be done with it. Just a few big steps. My heart stops as she suddenly turns to me. She turns to me, what? No?! I didn't stop walking, but she did. She stopped walking?! Now I am so close to her that I feel her dark brown judging eyes gleam. Her gaze examining me, looking me up and down. 

"Y/n?" That's it. If my heart already stopped, it has now slipped out of my chest like a stone and got caught by my stomach. I would like to disappear into the ground. "Pansy?" My voice sounds strangely hollow, hard and hissing, „how- how are you?"

I would like to hit myself for this stupid question. I should go on, that's what I had decided on. But no, now I have to talk to her, and every time I look at her face I see her and Astoria in front of me. It hurts so fucking much. So much that the wound in my chest starts tearing free, free of the bandages I've constructed around it lately, ready to destroy anything called happiness, or joy.

"Oh, I'm fine, and you? I hear you've been having a hard time after this breakup with that girl," her pitying voice doesn't match her face, her eyes narrow sharply, belligerent, "what's her name again? Astoria?" 

I take a deep breath, remain silent because I can't answer. I can't talk to her about Astoria. I knew what this would be like. I knew how Pansy would destroy me if she'd gotten the chance. And now it's too late and there's nothing I can do but hold on. 

She starts walking slowly, at this pace it will be a good few minutes before we reach the Quidditch pitch. "Oh right," she blurts, "that was the girl I hooked up with at that party, wasn't it?" I flinch and she watches me, which drives me crazy. I don't want her to know how vulnerable I am against her. But she already knows. 

"That wasn't a problem for you, was it? I mean, you have to learn to get over her sometime. I did you a favour, so to speak." My head is spinning, spinning fast. While Pansy picks at me, all I can do is stand there, fighting back my tears. 

Because that's what I can't do. I can't ever cry. Never in front of Pansy. "Didn't I Y/n? Didn't I do you a favour? You could at least thank me for it." "You certainly didn't do me any favours," I press out, staring at her with as much hatred as I can gather. "Ah, so you're not over her," she shakes her head reprovingly, reaching out and tapping my shoulder lightly with her hand, "you'll get over it. You'll get through this, it's hard but you'll get over not being good enough for her."

"Sorry?" Indignation mingles into my gaze and Pansy stares back shamelessly. Tears burn behind my eyes, eager to break through. I can't do this any more. "What?" she bitches, "I was better than you for Astoria, you'll get over it with time believe me." Another shoulder pat, during which I fervently want to push her hand away but can't manage to. 

I can't move, only take mechanical steps and stare at her as if she were death itself. "Pansy," I hiss, "I don't know what's wrong with your sick mind, but you obviously missed the shot. How could you possibly talk like that about everything that's happened?" "I don't know what you mean," her nose lifts into the air, "besides, I don't feel like talking to you anymore anyway, not that anybody sees me with you." "Is that so?" "Yes, my friends, and I too, just so you know, think you're a whore." 

"What?!" I snap out of my stupor, stopping abruptly. "Yeah Y/n everyone saw you with Theo and Draco all wrapped around your finger and I'll give you some good advice now when I tell you to drop them," she spits, "I will be keeping my distance from it, I don't want my reputation dragged through the dirt because of you pathetic bitch." 

My mouth drops open, closes again, I feel many things but mostly pain. And hate. Pain and hate that fight each other for the upper hand. "Your reputation is long gone, Pans, you have the whore reputation, not me." "I don't.""Yes, you do. So could you fucking stop slut shaming me?"

"You know, you're kind of giving me virgin vibes. I bet you're still a virgin." "Can you make up your mind? First I'm a whore, then I'm a virgin, now what?" "You tell me," she actually has the nerve to smile at me. I smile back sugary sweet. "I'm not a virgin, okay?" "Then I must've been wrong and you are a whore after all." 

At that moment I decide that I can't give myself any more of this. With newfound strength I start walking again, hoping for some reason Pansy would just stay behind. But she keeps the pace. 

"And who do you want to have slept with hmm? A Gryffindor perhaps?" "Certainly not." "Neville?" "No?!" I didn't mean to freak out but now I'm about to lose my cool completely, "Astoria?! Draco?!" 

As soon as it's out of my mouth I realise what I've just done. No. I want to bite my tongue off. Did I seriously just tell Pansy I slept with Draco? Shit. My tears are no longer stoppable, already running down my cheeks. Humiliating. 

Through the haze of tears I look at Pansy's face, she's gone quiet. At least I have momentary triumph, but I fail to capture the feeling and feel it for as long as I can. Like I should. The only thing I can think of is her words. 

- "You'll get over the fact that you weren't good enough for Astoria"-

and lastly,

- "Draco-". 

"I slept with Draco, happy now? Well, there you go," I give up tiredly, it's all too late anyway. I know it. There is no going back, no matter how much I wish there was.

"You what?!" She can't quite seem to comprehend how stupid I was. How stupid I am. "I knew you were a whore, I told you right away." She smiles, but this time it's her voice that gives her away. It's shaky, brittle. I know what it did to her by telling her. 

She feels pain, a filthy kind of heartache. 

So does that mean I made my plan come true? Was that what I wanted? Then why don't I feel better? A new flood of tears wells up in my eyes. Where is my elation, where is my satisfaction? Wheres my intoxicating victory? 

It's not what I imagined it to be, my revenge on Pansy. On the contrary, it's totally horrible, disappointing. Broken, my shoulders slump. 

"Okay," smiles Pansy, then we've got it all sorted, "see you round, big sister, or should I rather say bitch?" She passes me without another word, speeding off towards the Quidditch pitch, which isn't far now. 

I watch her disappear in the distance as I stand there in the drizzling rain feeling my heart break. 

A third time.