BETWEEN REVENGE AND LOVE

18

Monday, 17/09/1995

What to do when you really don't know what to do?

Follow your instincts? Or better ask for anothers'? 

Advice is what would do me best, I know it. But from whom? 

Tracey? Daphne? They'll find it ridiculous, they'd be against it. 

My revenge. Will it even work at all? 

Possibly not. Probably not. 

Pansy looks so untouchable as she sits dangerously close to me at the Slytherin table.  

As she's chatting away over the breakfast on her plate, lively, happy. How can someone like her have friends? And so many of them? She's an awful person. 

Am I just worse? Without noticing it? Could that be? It could. 

Whatever. 

Revenge. 

What can I do to harm her, to make her hurt as I did, as I still do? 

How do I know she cares about Draco as I suspected? I was so sure, now it's hard to uphold that confidence. 

I wish there were someone or somewhere I could go to for answers, wish I could read them in my tea leaves or let the wind whisper them to me. But I'm no fortune teller and Tessomancy is not my cup of tea either. 

No, I'm left with nothing but my own mind to ponder what's best. Stuck with mixed thoughts and feelings, insecurities and uncertainties. 

What is there to hold on? Who's there to guide me? No one, nothing. 

Better accept it now than later. 

It'll one get harder from now on. More complicated. 

Better accept it now than later. 

Draco may not seem that unreachable at the moment. I might be able to grasp him. But for how long? How long would we hold? I don't know. I know nothing. 

Better accept it now than later.