BETWEEN REVENGE AND LOVE

14

Wednesday, 10/09/1995

Draco Malfoy looks cold.

And annoyed.

His slack shoulders, his tortured expression, everything reflects how bored he is.

It's quite a dramatic sight.

Presumably, Tracey and Adrian are the culprits who could be held responsible for this dramatic sight, but I guess it's also partly his own fault.

He's sitting right between them, Tracey whose flaming red face leaves me reasonably sure she's flirting her heart and soul out right now, and Adrian, who's leaning towards Tracey as far as he physically could without having to sit on Draco's lap.

It does look hilarious, admittedly. Dracos misery.

Besides, Adrian seems to really like the flirting-her-heart-and-soul-out thing Tracey's using on him. Draco, as I said, not. Understandably.

Here I am, chuckling to myself, gazing into the fireplace, where no fire is burning tonight and listening into the room with pointed ears.

What it's been about all evening is a party, a welcome home party so to speak, which everybody is terribly excited about. Myself included, strangely.

At the last party I was on I got my heart broken. But I'm in a much different position now than I was back then, aren't I? It's going to be a ton of fun and, most importantly, a distraction.

A single free night, no problems, no sorrows allowed.

Just dancing, being happy.

What could I want more?

Her to be dancing and happy with me, of course.

Sighing, I push my thoughts aside, letting my attention roam the room for something that'll keep me from crying over Astoria tonight. There must be something.

Who would have guessed, my eyes land on Draco again. Only this time he recognises me. Our eyes meet.

He somehow manages to look even more distressed than before. I wonder what he might be listening to, what Tracey is talking and asking about and what Adrian is answering.

But worse than that, I wish I could look into his head. What is he thinking? About me? I want to find out.

I'd also like him to tell me how the hell I'm going to get revenge on Pansy. He could give me his ideas. We could think of a solution together.

As if he knew. He knows nothing.

Me neither, honestly.

I wish cluelessness meant innocence in my case as in his.

But I have a much different kind of cluelessness than he has. A stupid, foolish, reckless, irresponsible kind of cluelessness.

The way I plan on using him does disgust me in a way. And when I think about it, I know I'll probably have to loathe myself for it forever. That's why I'd rather not think about it. Because I'd start having doubts.

It's pointless to pretend I wouldn't prioritise revenge.

I'll do whatever it takes. If what it takes is that I have to use Draco Malfoy, then that's the way it is. That doesn't mean I'm sorry for wronging him, though, it doesn't mean I'll loathe myself for it.

I got to stop now. Now.

Snap out of it.

Concentrate.

Draco, Draco, Draco.

How he's slumped onto the sofa listlessly, agonised by Tracey's endless chatter and Adrian's brainless listening. How his body stirs... and he stands up?

He's standing up? Is he leaving?

That's how it seems.

Only when he's almost at my side do I realize that he's headed for me.

"You're coming, are you?" He plops down next to me on the sofa and looks at me intently as if noticing my every breath.

"To the party," he adds, smirking his stupid smug Draco-Malfoy-smirk.

"Want me to?"

"What if?" His words linger on, hang in the thick air while I'm still silent, searching for good things to say.

"Then you'll be happy to hear that I do plan on coming." Careful not to break eye contact, I move a little closer, most likely noticed by him though I tried to not make it all too obvious.

"Good girl," he breathes, so much closer than a second ago.

"What?" I look at him, dumbfounded.

His eyebrows furrow slightly before he lies into my face "As you should."

"No," I insist, "You didn't say that."

"I did," he maintains, "you must've misheard."

He eyes me proudly. "Oh, I do make you nervous, I knew it."

"You're not making me nervous Draco." Why is it that he always starts talking about that? He's not making me nervous. I don't think so, at least.

"Look, I have eyes and you, you're literally blushing crimson. Tell me, why's that?"

"So how's it going over here?"

I feel the sofa move next to me, someone plops down. I flinch away from Draco, whirl my head around and look at the someone sitting next to me. He's smiling, but his expression's cramped, quite the opposite of pleased.

"Theo," I state, wiping my hands over my face as if they'd wash away the heat and the colour it still wears.

"Yeah, me," he echoes, reaching out, draping his arm around my shoulder as he leans back into the cushions, "thought I'd come over, pay you a visit, that's all."

"I think you'll have to settle for Draco." I jump up. "I gotta leave, too tired to talk."

Both their faces darken, but that doesn't make me change my mind. I walk away hurriedly, knowing no wild horses could drag me back there. I'm not going to stay with the two of them on one sofa.

Maybe I would if I had anything figured out. If I'd know whether to keep Theo or not or how to get things going with Draco.

But I don't have it, anything, figured out.

So tonight I get to run away from my problems once more.