BETWEEN REVENGE AND LOVE

62

The next week is glances over lunchtime tables, a couple approaching attempts from both, a kiss and many more from Draco. None from Theo. It's better that way.

It is, is it?

Nights stay long and sleepless, I can get no rest.

With Christmas inching nearer and nearer I'm on edge, constantly. It's like a deadline that everything and everyone can't stop reminding me of.

Draco asked me to the ball.

Theo also did.

What to do about that? Do I even have to choose?

I don't understand it, how can they not despise me, love me, even?

I've cheated and I've lied, betrayed and used recklessly.

If they can love me, why can't she? Why not Astoria?

Am I too flawed, lacking too much loyalty and selflessness, lacking too much of everything to be with her?

Was I not the most loyal, the most selfless when it came to her? Did I not love her with all my heart? Did I not give her all of me?

I gave her everything. Gladly. She was, she is, everything to me.

I love her.

I loved her, I love her, I will love her.

I'll always love my Astoria.

Without a doubt.

Completely incessantly.

Maybe, that's it. Maybe that's the problem. Well, think about it stupid. Of course, it is.

There's just not enough space in my heart for them. Not for Theo, not for Draco - certainly not both.

How could I have been so foolish? How could I forget?

Love never was what I was searching for in them, to begin with. I yearned for their affection, yes. I needed the distraction, yes. But was I in for anything serious? No.

I knew I wasn't capable of making them happy, I knew it wouldn't be right what I was doing. I knew back then just as I do now, It was never my intention to do right or good.

I always just wanted revenge.

So seven nights more and the Great Hall will dance, Draco and me along with them all.

It'll scratch Pansy's heart it'll scratch Pansy's soul.

It'll be the closest thing to revenge that I'll ever get for what she's done.

It'll be what I've been longing for, for all those hurtful months.