BETWEEN REVENGE AND LOVE

10

Thursday, 04/09/1995 

At the front of the classroom, Professor Binns goes on and on about the Goblin revolution.

Back here I have many other things to brood about.

It's so strange how fast everything changed. Embarrassing, to think back to how stupid I was, thinking I couldn't be saved.

To believe the opposite now, that I can be saved, may make me the biggest fool in this entire castle. 

But how could I care about that now?

I'll know soon enough.

For now, it's too good not to feel shattered for once, to not wake up more exhausted than I went to sleep. It's too good to relearn how it feels like to have hope.

For now, it feels good to just live.

But it's been three days and I still haven't talked to Theo. Not about the kiss, his or my feelings. Not about anything, not a word.

I need advice. From someone, anyone really. Advice on what to do. On what is best.

Because I'm helpless, when it comes to him, clueless. I don't want to hurt him with my stupid plans or my messed up self. It's easy to do so, one false word can cut so deep.

Yet, I don't want to push him away either, even if that's what I'm doing right now.

How must it look, him confessing his love to me and me ignoring him for three days straight?

He must think that's my answer. He must think I hate him.

I don't know what to do about him.

Do I want to help myself and be selfish?

Or do I want to help him and be selfless?

Is that something I can decide over?

With Draco it's different. I know I need him.

If not to be my distraction then to help me have my revenge on Pansy.

The thought of it still sounds good to me, it's almost exciting. I can't feel bad about wanting to hurt her. Even if she's my sister. She doesn't feel like a sister to me. She hasn't in a long time. 

Will she ever again?

I doubt she can. I doubt she wants to.

That's the reason why I need Draco for my plan to work, to make Pansy cry. 

I am too trivial to her, I don't think she cares about me or what I do to her at all.

But with him it's different, I know it is. I have to rely on it. 

About him, she cares.

If he'd kiss me and she'd see it she'd break. 

Right?

And after that we'd move on, he and I, because It'd only be a game and nothing of severity.

Can that work?

How could I possibly tell him that? That I only want him to use him for revenge on my own sister? 

Well, to stop me from drowning in unrequited love, too. But I wouldn't tell him that. 

Because how could he agree to that? How could anyone agree to that? 

It's a sure way to get hearts broken.

I'll have to find a way. I'll have to find a way to make him like me, love me.

Even if now, that seems nearly impossible.