BETWEEN REVENGE AND LOVE

27

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My head feels like it's going to explode. 

I'm stuck, in a moment that feel like hours, still standing on the same path, in the same drizzle, breathing the same hot humid air. 

Everything is like before. 

Nothing is like before. 

Pansys words echo through my ears, over and over. It's as if she would scream at me, all the mean things she said. All the crushing, disgusting things she spat at me. Her screams feed my fears. 

Sting after sting pulls through my heart, feels like gunshots, ripping it apart, knifes that pierce through it. 

I want to scream, scream it all away. But they wouldn't leave me, my problems would stay. I feel myself swaying, trembling, my knees weak, and that's where I fall, onto my back, the rain pouring onto my face. To fall didn't hurt at all, I am hurting mentally, writhing. The pain is familiar, disgustingly bad. My stone heart still presses onto my stomach, making me feel the urge to throw up. 

Throwing up wouldn't help either. Nothing would. The pain squeezes my brain, my lungs together, making me incapable of thinking clearly, I can't breathe. 

I. Cant. Breathe.

Only can gasp for air like a suffocating fish, as if everything were airless, no more oxygen left.

My stone heart tears through me further. My stone heart. My heart isn't stone. My heart isn't strong, isn't resistant, isn't able to cope with hurt. The only thing strong around it are chains, that painfully draw it down. The chains that won't allow it to beat normally, easily, that won't let me live. 

The chains from Astoria. My love for Astoria. My love is pulling me down into void, and there's nothing to hold on to, nothing that could help me. Except of her.

God I am stupid. I did believe I could live without her.

Turns out I can't. I just can't. I wish more than ever for her to be here. 

But she isn't. She isn't here, there for me when I need her. I need her so much. Need her too much, that it breaks me to not be. I need her so badly. It's true, I am not enough for her. Thats why she won't hold me again, that's why she isn't here. If only she were here. If only she would wrap me into her arms, if only she would tell me that everything is alright. I would believe it, I would believe it all. 

But I can't because she isn't here, again, I am alone, still, breathing the same hot humid air, soaked from by the same rain. 

My head feels like it's going to explode.

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