BETWEEN REVENGE AND LOVE

40

sunday 06/10/1995

Tap, tap, tap, my foot taps the floor, impatient, yet somewhat indecisive.

"I'm going, now," I repeat, mumbling, mantra-like, now for the third, no the fourth time already.

I stare up at the top row of tiles on the wall, which is a different, much darker shade of green from the rest.

All that in order to avoid Theo's gaze, or rather the fact that he isn't looking at me. He avoids my gaze as much as I avoid his, glaring at the tiles next to my head in the same way. It's so quiet, just the "tap, tap, tap, tap" of my shoe tapping on the stone floor over and over again.

He is so disappointed.

"Why's it so so urgent Y/n? It's just a strange little vial of which you don't know the contents yet. Your sister wouldn't have put any lethal stuff in it, why are you bothering so much? Can't you simply ask her tomorrow?"

"Theo, you don't understand."

"Right, so enlighten me. See, will you please just tell me what I did wrong and how I can make it right again? Does this really have to do with your sister? Because it sounds like your struggling for some excuse to give me. If you don't want to stay, that's absolutely fine. All you have to do is tell me."

My gaze flicks back to him, meeting, locking, with his. His frustrated eyes with my panicked ones.

"Believe me, would you? I really, really want to stay and you didn't do anything wrong. I would have stayed, but now I have to go find Pansy." It sounds so jumbled that if I were him, I most probably wouldn't believe me either.

Sighing, he crosses his arms in front of his chest. "I still don't get it. Why so urgent, why don't you deal with it some other time, why do you find it so damn strange in the first place?" He pauses to release another deep sigh out of his lungs right into the still humid air. "Don't she ever gives you something? Anything? Its only an ordinary present?"

"She hates me Theo, she bloody hates me. So no, she doesn't ever give me anything, certainly not for free. She'll want something in exchange if this right here is something even remotely useful in some way. It's too complicated to explain, I can try to make you understand, not now but later. I'll see you tomorrow and I'll make it up to you then, but now I have to find her and to get it out of her what she wants from me."

Too many thought roam my head, its overwhelming; Pansy, Theo everything. I didn't want to make him feel bad.

"Deal," he smiles a lopsided smile, but it's not in a particularly good way. It bares all his confusion and lets me know that the frustration didn't leave him. It makes me doubt if he really believes me.

...

To push open the door that connects the corridor of the boys' dorms with the common room takes me quite some effort since it's massive. It has to be later than I thought, for I hear nothing as I slip through into the common room, no talk no other noises either. The dark, the abandonment seems pleasing to me, the quiet and the calm. What a shame that I can't stay. Pansy, right, I have to find her.

Or else I won't be able to sleep tonight, won't get my mind cleared. Won't get over what big of an idiot I am.

I left Theo, took off in such hurry, without having the slightest idea where to find Pansy. Well, by this late hour she'll more than likely be in her dorm. But that raises other questions and problems; I couldn't drag her out of there, even less could I barge in and have that damn little chat with her in front of her roommates.

Standing still, as though frozen, I draw the night-cold air into my lungs greedily, hoping it'll cool my mind as it does my body. If only it could sort my churning thoughts.