Strawberry Ice cream

Chapter 33

TW/ Suicide

It's been two weeks since mum's funeral. Two weeks of me ignoring everyone, ignoring texts, not going to college, missing my exams and the end of the chapter of my life that is college. I've fucked up big time.

Because I missed all my real exams, that means I'll fail all my courses, won't have the grades to get into the Performing Arts Uni and so my life has pretty much just gone down the drain.

I keep getting these bad thoughts, telling myself nothing will get better, I've failed my life as a student, as a good friend, as a son. I've failed failed failed and there's no coming back from that. That's what I tell myself anyway.

I dropped Clifford off at Mark's a few days ago when everyone was out. No explanation, nothing. I gave him a huge hug and kiss goodbye, must admit I shed a few tears and then I left. I left him and now I'm leaving everyone else.

I've had panic attack after panic attack recently. I keep throwing antidepressants into my mouth like they're water, keeping me alive. But they can only do so much.

I'm panicking now, my anxiety going through the roof, body like a leaf in the wind, stomach churning, heart rattling my rib cage. Sweat mixes with tears down my face. I can barely breathe and my breathing is shallow and fast.

I hit my hands against the steering wheel, throwing my head against the head rest multiple times.

Stupid, stupid fucker. I can't live like this no more. I gotta leave.

I got to go.

I scream into the car, the voices in my head loud and causing my brain to pulsate. I grab the bottle of pills in the glove compartment, popping two into my mouth and fumbling for the box of St John's Wort that I never threw away in case I needed them for emergencies. My hand shakes, causing a pile of the white coated tablets to pool into my lap. I take the lot in my lap and swallow them with a bottle of water.

That'll speed things up.

With trembling fingers, I turn the car on, through blurred vision, I scan my surroundings before pulling out of the parking spot I'm in.

It's evening, the sun just about to leave this part of the world to go warm up the other; indigo splashes the sky above, stars dotting and twinkling, winking at me as I drive. The large moon follows, its whitish glow helping the dim street lights to light my pathway.

I don't know why I decide to go here but it's the only place that makes sense to go. I park up against the curb and look down the street, neon signs buzzing and illuminating the roads, engaging the passer by's to go in and see their shops. There's not many people out tonight, it's a little chilly this evening compared to others. I look over the passenger window and have to crane my neck to see the building in front of me's roof. It's a restaurant with a block of flats above it.

I get out the car with jelly legs, my mind swirling, the world tilting slightly. I stumble into the restaurant and ignore the waiter asking me if I have reservations. I just about mutter out words to tell them I desperately need the toilet and plod over to the stairs that lead to a set of stairs. I push my body into the heavy door, slowly filing up the stairs until a door with the sign Roof Emergency Exit Only hanging above it.

My jaw sets when I push the door open. It bangs against the side and the swings shut behind me. There's a strong breeze tonight that whips around my body, causing goosebumps to form onto my bare arms.

I look over the roof to see the road below me. I'm not too high up but if I jump right, I'll be able to leave this world once and for all.

A tiny voice in my mind screams for me to get back from the edge, telling me we don't want this but the devil on my shoulder urges me closer. I sit on the edge for a while, taking in my surroundings.