Heaven Is You

|09|

Oscar Atkins

After I've dropped Talia off, I had this sudden overwhelming urge to dissipate and disappear. The last thing I wanted was to go back to that tightly cramped bar reeking of sweat and alcohol. Thus, I made my way just on the outskirts of town, where people rarely ever come. It was the perfect spot to think after all.

I parked the car and turned off the engine, reeling in the dead quiet of the night, nothing but the sounds of distant cockroaches whizzing in the distant clearance.

I stood at the edge of a cliff, similar to a one you'd see in every cliche movie, I made my way, taking a seat on the dirt, my legs hanging from beneath me.

I take in a deep breath, a refreshing one after everything becomes a little too much. I come here for the peace of mind it offers whenever I feel overwhelmed with everything around me, life seems to be charging at me in full speed. This is where I pull back to, my safe spot somehow. 

I grab a pinch of small rocks, each about the size of an olive, and start throwing them around randomly, an unconscious habit for when I'm thinking. I always needed to busy my hands with something; whether it be volleyball, book journal or a paint brush, I tend to want to let out my frustration in healthy ways.

Fifteen minutes pass and I'm still rudely waiting for my mind to make up its damn own. What do I want? I find myself asking the dreaded question.

Simple. Her. 
The answer comes out automatically, barging out of the realms of my mind without granted permission. I think back to her. The way her hair sways back and forth down her back whenever she walks. The way her eyes are not only windows, but also a goddamn door to her expressive soul.

If she's happy, they'll glean and shimmer so bright, they'll put the stars to shame. I swear she's the first person to make brown look so lively and vibrant.

On the other hand, when she's hurt or sad, they'll be lifeless and doll, her lips would be set into a pout -one I found myself desiring to kiss.

I stare into the night sky, her features drawing up in front of me, the sky is my canvas and she's the art. Oh, how much I want to be hers, just as much as I want her to be mine.

Then, I think back to earlier tonight, she did say she broke up with that good-for-nothing boyfriend, I felt giddy, I swear I felt the world lighten in color. Still, that doesn't mean she's ready to dive head first, into a relationship at the moment. For all I know, she could've just decided that she was done with guys for the meantime (not that I blame her considering whom she previously was with).

Besides, I'm a twenty three year old college student who's a psychology major, plus a volleyball player, since when do I get the luxury of time to think about relationships, let alone considering entering one?

I have so much on my plate, that it's become accumulated with all the responsibilities I have to take care of. How do I make the time for this? 'If you really wanted, you would've' , a voice in my brain mocks, and fuck, I knew it was right. If you really wanted something in your life, you wouldn't rest, working endlessly, chasing after it with all your might and power.

I pick up a lean stick off the ground, drawing random shapes in the dirt while my mind wanders further and further away. I fill up my chest with air, then let it drop free. A conflict initiates between the different parts of me. Each part pushing their own agenda to the front of my brain and a headache soon starts to formulate.

I realize that based on the state of my head -the constant throbbing- that I've done enough thinking for today. Wandering for far too long and far too far, could be dangerous and disastrous sometimes.

I gather myself up, dusting the specks of dirt off of my clothes and start heading back to the car, head tilted down so I watch where I'm going, because if I sprain my ankle, I most definitely wouldn't survive coach Evans' wrath.

A sudden ringing pulls me out of the haze I'm in and thrusts me back into the real world, I press the answer button after reading Will's name on the screen. "Hey" I greet him mindlessly, with the faint sound of club music in the background.

"Hey, bro, are you coming back tonight or...?" He leaves the sentence unfinished, clearly in a suggestive way.

"Why are you asking?" I shoot at him.

"Um, you know, I met this cool chick at the bar and we're heading back to the apartment, You know, Felix actually left with Sierra" He says and I smirk.

"Oh, yeah? And how does my presence affect that?" I fein innocence, he grunts loudly, but hiss-whispered back "Fuck you, I'm not responsible for your shitty mood when you wake up from a shitty sleep" He warns and a rumble throttles in my chest involuntarily. I just love teasing him.

"Dude, I'm kidding. Thanks for the heads up, I'll just stay out, enjoy" I say and wink, although he can't see me, it felt only right.

"Thanks man, I owe you one" He says before shutting the call.

I run my fingers through my hair, turn off the engine and pull the seat all the way back, making space for a miniature bed, although extremely uncomfortable, I think I'll manage for tonight.

•••

A/n:
It's 2:54 a.m and I had
this sudden urge to write.
Insight feels important,
To see the way people think.