MAKNAE [twd]

【110】

The easiness of Oceanside didn't stop the cruel reality back home from seeping into my nightmares.

My nightmares in which Negan greeted me with a smile. Where he joked about what he did to Glenn and how he would do it again to everyone else I cared about I woke up just as he'd forced the guys to their knees and raised Lucille.

My eyes stare up at the ceiling, the nautical theme present even there, as I shakily inhale and exhale. When my nerves don't subside, I carefully raise up to sit on the edge of the bed, keeping silent as to not disturb Taeyang and Daniel who were asleep. I look over to the other bed where Tara and Ben were still sound asleep. I scan the room, quickly spotting Jae sleeping on the couch.

Standing, I slip my boots on and place my bag over my shoulders. I tip toe across the room like I'd done at Hilltop days ago, picking up one of the small blankets that Kathy left for us before stepping outside and closing the door.

With the smell of the ocean even heavier outside, I take a deep breath, wrapping the blanket around me and stepping off the porch. I wasn't sure where I was walking exactly, but my feet move in the direction of the water instinctively.

Stepping out of the tree line, the sight of the ocean makes my heart beat faster as I walk closer to the waves.

The sun was hardly up, leaving the scene quiet, serene, and peaceful. I stop by a bundle of branches, setting my bag down and wrapping in the blanker once more to fight the chilled air bouncing off the water.

I only stand still for awhile, staring at the ocean like I was greeting an old friend.

Then, I move closer and sit down, the waves knocking a safe distance away but still close enough to make me smile.

"Dad.." I exhale, "I don't know if you're out there. If you are.. I'm sorry."

I bow my head, tugging the blanket closer to me, "I'm really sorry."

"I'm sorry for leaving. I'm sorry for losing unnie. I'm sorry for losing oppa.." my voice cracks

"I'm sorry for not taking better care of myself and being careless a lot of the time. I'm going to do better. Make things right for everyone. And I'm going to help Maggie with her and oppa's baby. I'm going to be a good aunt to the baby when they come. I'm going to keep the ones around me safe and love them more. Tell them I love them more like I should have to you, unnie, and oppa."

"I love you, dad. I hope you're okay," I sniffle.

Silently, I release the tears- an astonishing difference to the sobs and wails of pain felt in recent weeks.

I felt the presence though they didn't speak a word. Turning, I look to see who it was.

"Sorry," Tara apologizes quickly, "I just woke up and didn't see you so I.. I'm sorry."

My heart felt heavier than ever as I look at Tara.

After everything, I felt like I was seeing her again for the first time in a clearer light than before.

I didn't kill her at the prison and she didn't even draw on me, I unknowingly took the life of her sister, she saved Glenn and Taeyang, she cemented herself a member of the group, we fought, we kept our distance, I learned my limits due to my empathy for her, I felt awful for what I took from her, we stayed on speaking terms enough to get work done, she saved me, I apologized for what I did, we understood each other better, we were a good team, she kept me from witnessing Glenn's death to it's fullest extent, we begun to laugh together, and now we were here..

Our meeting began out of grief and was now standing in grief again.

I put her in pain for what I took from her. And now, I understood how she felt in the most painful way possible.. The exact same way.