It's Our Secret

Chapter 25 - Heart

"I did recover from the eating disorder, you know. I know it looked like I didn't, but I did," I said to Keira, as she sat beside me on the bed.
"But..." Keira started to say, before I interrupted her.
"No, let me talk," I said, "I did recover from it. When I started dating Hayley, everything got better. I started eating, I was managing my weight, everything was okay." I knew I had to tell her, but I was scared. Scared of how she would react. "I started feeling something in my chest, like this constant pain. I went to the doctor, and..." at this point, Keira grabbed my hand, looking me right in the eyes, "I have a heart condition."
Keira sat there, confused, not knowing if she heard me right.
"Sorry, what?"
"Cardiomyopathy."
"Sorry, what?" she exclaimed again.
"Keira, I..."
"Ettie, I don't understand. You have a heart condition that you never told me about? Your twin sister?" I nodded my head, ashamed of myself.
"I wanted to tell you, but I had felt like a hassle for too long, and I didn't want to be something you needed to look after again."
"No, Ettie, no! This isn't the sort of thing you keep a secret."
"I'm sorry, Kie. Okay? I'm sorry." She looked away from me, letting go of my hand. I could tell she was angry, and to be honest, I would be too.
"How bad is it now?"
"I've been managing it. I'm okay."
"Why don't I believe you?"
"Well, you should." I tried grabbing her hand, but she wouldn't let me.
"Who knows?" she asked me.
"Hayley."
"That's it?"
"Yeah, that's it."
"How long? How long have you known?"
"Just before me and Hayley broke up."
"That's why you lost the weight?" Keira asked, and I nodded.
"I was fine, I have been fine for a while."
"Ett, I thought you were back to your old ways. I thought you weren't eating again. I thought you were throwing up again."
"I'm sorry," I said to her, "I'm sorry. But, this thing fucked things up for me and Hayley, and I thought it would fuck everything else up too."
"But, you can still play?"
"Well, I mean, I have been playing for the past two and a half years, so, I can still play."

We sat in silence, for a while, and I knew Kie had so many more questions to ask.
"Does Mum know? Or Dad?"
"No."
"Leah?"
"Nope."
"Lucy?"
"Nup."
"No one?"
"No one."

No one knew. No one at all. Besides Hayley.

Three years earlier

"Ettie," Hayley said, after I told her, "you have nothing to be sorry about." She put her arm around me, gripping me tightly.
"I'm sorry," I said again. Tears fell down my face, and my heart started beating fast, pains starting to arise in my chest. I collapsed onto the floor, my body so fatigued, and my mind filled with thoughts. Hayley caught me, and hugged me closer.
"It's okay, just breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out."
I lay there, in her arms, trying to collect myself after my body started getting out of my control.

"When did it start?" she asked me, as we moved to the couch and she made me tea.
"A few months ago."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"I was tired of being something other people had to look after."
"Have you told Keira?"
"No, and I'm not going to."
"Ever?" she asked. I nodded my head, taking a sip of my tea. "Ettie, cardiomyopathy isn't something you can take lightly."
"I know, but the doctor said with extreme measures, he doesn't see why I have to stop playing."
"Things can change so quickly in a day though," she said to me.
"I know, but she doesn't need to know. No one does."
"Ettie, I really think..." Hayley started to say.
"No! Hales, stop!"
"No, I won't stop. I don't want you to be doing this to yourself again."
"Please, I need to do this on my own accord." I looked away from her, ashamed of who I was. Of who I'd become.
"I'm not going to sit here and let you do this to yourself," Hayley said, forcefully.
"I'm not sure if you have any other choice," I replied, coldly. We had never fought before, never like this at least. I knew she was right, but the stubbornness that brewed inside of me was too strong for my own good.
"I guess not," she replied. She looked away, and got up from the couch. She walked into the other room, and left me on the couch, to ponder with my own thoughts. Is this where I fucked verything up? Is my own righteousness getting in the way?

Present

"You can't say anything," I said to Keira, "to anyone." She nodded, knowing I didn't want the attention it would be expected I would get if this thing came out.
"Besides," she replied, "we have the Olympics to complete."
"That we do." I gave my twin a hug, before leaving her room. I told her. I did it. I did the thing I feared for three years. I wanted to message Hayley. To tell her I did the thing she wanted me to do for so long.

Ettie: hales?

Hayley: yeah?

Ettie: i did it.

Hayley: did what?

Ettie: told Keira about my heart. Im sorry about everything. Truly sorry.

Hayley: its the past. Im proud of you now!

This is Hayley. The sweetest, most loveliest person in the world. She was my rock, until I ruined it. But now, I have my Leah. My Leah Williamson. And that was the next secret I needed to find a way to tell Keira.

Note:
- very excited for the Matilda's vs uswnt tomorrow ... worried about Sam tbh, heard she might not be playing, but hoping she is!! I really want her too!!!