It's Our Secret

The Last Part

Ettie's life is now wound up. Wound up in a little box, never to be touched. She knew that her life was going to be like that. She knew that this would be the end. Before she left, however, she wrote herself a letter. She wrote all the people she loved these notes, and that including herself. She wanted to lay out what her life looked like, and remind herself, at that time, that she should be proud of what she had done. Proud of who she had become, in the face of all her struggles. This is: The Last Part.

Dear me,

That's kinda weird. This is kinda stupid. Why am I even writing a letter to myself? This isn't a suicide note, nor is it something I ever want anyone to read. I'll probably burn it once I finish writing, but I wanted to do this. To give myself a bit of closure. To remind myself that I have lived a life worth living. I have done some things that have been worthwhile. So, anyways, here it goes: a letter to me.

So, where do I even begin? We were lucky to have been born with a pre-made best friend. We were beyond lucky. I don't think I could ever comprehend what life would have been like if I weren't a twin. If we weren't a half of something greater than just one. Juliette and Keira. Ettie and Kie. It was the yin and the yang. The extrovert and the introvert. Opposites and yet the same. She was always going to be the most important person in our life. You hung on tight to her, for as long as you could. We were a scared, anxious kid, and she wasn't. She was big, bright. She had so much talent, and she saw that in you too. I don't think I could have ever imagined going through life without her. She's so special. I hope she knows how much I love her.

I'm proud of you, Ett, for having kept going throughout everything. Proud that we kept pushing on. We fought, and fought hard, and changed the world in the process. We managed an eating disorder, which mentally and physically damaged me. Now that I look back on it, I'm not sure how you did it. I'm not sure how you went through all that pain by yourself. Obviously, Kie was there. But, when the world is so big, and you feel so small, it can be hard to feel as if there is something to live for. But you found that thing. You found the small things in life that made it all worthwhile.

City was bad, for the last few years at least. With the manager, and the culture, it wasn't a fun environment for you, Ett. We both know that. You back then, and me now. But you were brave. You sought for new opportunities, and didn't let fear hold you back. Even when you were scared, and even when you thought the whole world was against you, you looked for brightness. And you found it. You found it at the club that made you feel worthy again. You found it with a manager who appreciated you, and team mates who understood you. I'm not sure how you did it, but you did. You did do it. You survived. You lived.

And I'm proud of you for that.

Then we have the heart thing. The thing that I think will cause the end. Not because I want it to. Not at all do I want to be going right now. But, I can feel it coming. I can feel this door closing.

When you got diagnosed, you were scared. You were so scared. Ett, you retreated into this tiny bubble, not wanting anyone to know or treat you differently. Now that I look back on it, I wish we had done something different. I wish we had told someone earlier, told Keira earlier. But, we can't change the past. All we can do now is hope that the people we leave behind go on okay. Go about their lives okay. I think they will too. I have hope that they will. I love them all too much for them to shut parts of their heart in memory of me.

Now, here comes the tricky part. The dilemma I was faced with for so much of my life. Who did I love? Who was my soulmate?

I think we both know the answer to that. Although I always thought it was going to be between Hayley or Leah, I know now that that is not the case. It isn't between either of them. My love burns so bright for both Hales and Lee, but my true soulmate, the person who has my heart, is Kie. My twin. My best friend.

I'm not sure what the outcome of my life will be if I do survive. I'm not sure where the world will take me. And, now, I guess I'll never know that answer. I'll never know what my destiny was supposed to be. So maybe it was never going to have to be a choice. Maybe that choice was always going to be made for me.

We have achieved so much in our life, Juliette Mae. We have done so much. We have won a Champions League, a few FA Cup's, WSL trophies, and much more. You've done good, Jules. You've done good.

Anyways, I hope we leave proud. Proud of what we have accomplished. Proud of who we have become. I love you, Ettie, and I'm glad I am able to say that. I am glad that I have been able to love myself after so many years of not. 

We'll rest easy, knowing that our loved ones get to thrive back down on the ground. We'll see them all again soon. I know we will. 

From me. From Ettie. 

Juliette Mae Walsh

8th April 1997 - 20th August 2023, aged 26