It's Our Secret

Ettie's Letters - To Hayley

Ettie's Letters: the fourth part

To my Hayley,

There's so much that you deserve to know. So much I want to tell you. But, there will never be enough words to do so. There will never be enough words to explain how much you mean to me and have always meant to me. So, I'm going to try to do my best to explain the importance you had on my life, and what I want for you, and your future.

So, Hales, thank you. Thank you for absolutely everything. When we met, I was a shy, hurt, unstable person. I had no idea what life had in store for me, and I struggled. Struggled to feel loved or worthy. I went about life not knowing my purpose, or my destiny. I didn't think there was any true reason as to why I was doing anything, until you came along.

When we first met, at that game, something sparked. I saw your cheeky grin, and fierce personality, and I knew that you were going to be someone special to me. I knew that there was going to be something that could come. Then you came up to me, and the rest was history. My heart was set on you, Hayley Raso. You were the one.

Then, it fell apart. My heart, and your back, and everything in between put a gap between me and you. I had to realise that that happens. Life can ruin even the most special things in someone's life. I missed you, every single day, but knew that there was always going to be a possibility for me and you. I knew that our story was not finished, and now it never will be.

When I met you in Manchester, that one day, and you told me that you loved me, something changed. I thought I was settled in my path, but knowing that you still felt something for me, only reminded me of everything that I felt for you. You were my bestest friend, my biggest supporter, and my first girlfriend. You were the best first that I could've ever had. You always held this special place in my heart, and no one can ever take that away from you.

I'm sorry about how everything panned over the past year. I'm sorry I made you play a stupid tug-a-war, not knowing what I even truly wanted. You didn't deserve that, none of it. You deserve so much more than me, and you always will. You deserve someone who is settled, and who knows what they want in this life. You deserve happiness, and love, and although I tried to give that to you, I was never going to be that person, not until I sorted myself out to begin with at least.

When we travelled Australia, although I went with the wrong intentions, I came out with the best experience of my life. It is a memory I will forever hold on to, and I hope you do too. I hope that is how you remember me. I hope you remember me to be that person, the person you used to know.

I love you, Hayley. I always have and I always will. You mean more to me than I ever thought possible. You showed me how to love, even though I had been heart broken before. You showed me how to care, and how to protect. I never knew I needed someone like you until I did. I'm only sorry I wasn't able to hang on.

Honestly, if I do survive, I'm not sure what will happen. I'm not sure what my destiny is meant to behold. But, to be honest, me writing this letter is a clear indication that I don't think that is going to arrive. I don't see myself making it past 26. That's why I want to write this to you. That's why I want to give you the closure that I would possibly need if these situations were to be reversed. Know that my love for you runs so deep in my veins. It is there, and always will be.

For you, Hayley, I want an incredibly fulfilled life. I want you to find your true love, and live in happiness, not regret or grief. I want you to go on to become the best version of yourself, both on and off the pitch. You deserve nothing less than that.

Know that, even when I am gone, I will never be too far. I will be living on in your heart every single day. I'll be watching over you in the stars, guiding you and pushing you on. When you look up, know that I am up there. I am the one who created that light hoping to push you to brightness. Hoping to push you to success. When you need someone to talk to, I'll only ever be a breath away.

So, Hayley, thank you. Thank you for everything you did for me. For pulling me out of the rut I was in and showing me the beauty in life. For showing me that it is okay to be vulnerable and being the first person to show me what it is to be loved.

I love you, Hayley. I'll see you again,

Always with you,

Ettie.