Pure Tears. Pure Love. Pure Pain.

Chapter Thirty Seven

Christmas Day was known as the best day of the entire year. Families gathered, presents were opened, carols sung, dinners eaten. You'd never experienced a real Christmas Day before. The words had been spoken sure, 'Happy Christmas' thrown around. But that was pretty much it.

So as you woke up early on Friday morning to the sound of kids running down the stairs you were more than surprised. Last night, after you had helped the kids leave out snacks for Santa you had helped Sarah and Sam leave out the presents they had bought. You had been blown away, there were so many gifts as you had laid them out. About a hundred individually wrapped gifts sat under the tree. All different colours, shapes and sizes.

You sat up and ran your fingers through your hair as the footsteps reached the living room. Sam's nephews screamed loudly at the gifts on the floor, squealing in excitement. "Sorry to wake you up so early," Sarah whispered to you as the two boys sat crossed leg on the floor looking at the pile of presents.

"Don't worry about it," you responded with a smile, "Coffee?" Sarah nodded eagerly and you headed into the kitchen to make a fresh pot of coffee.

As you waited for the coffee Sam came into the kitchen. He was wearing a dark red oversized hoodie and jeans, and holding a little red and gold wrapped gift in his hands. "Merry Christmas y/n," he said with a smile, handing you the gift. "I wanted it to be your first present,"

"You didn't have to do that," you responded as he handed the box to you. "Thank you," you pulled the gold bow and then unwrapped the sparkly red paper. The box was white and had 'Gucci' written on the front in black lettering. When you looked inside the box there was a gold bracelet, it was a thin chain with large sunflowers and the Gucci symbol repeating around the bracelet. Your jaw dropped as you looked at the gift, you couldn't believe Sam had done that for you. "Oh my God," you were completely speechless, "Sam this is beautiful thank you so much,"

Sam shrugged and poured the coffee into three mugs. You looked at the bracelet resting in your hand and a smile formed on your face. "Can you do the clasp?" you asked him, and he clasped the bracelet around your wrist. "Thank you Sam, seriously it's beautiful,"

"You're welcome," he handed you a cup of coffee, "Happy Christmas y/n,"

You smiled as Sam went into the living room. He had just done the nicest thing ever for you, it was so sweet. You looked at the bracelet on your wrist. It was so nice of him you could cry. Your first ever Christmas gift. It was so sweet. Oh my god.

Later on that day, you were helping Sarah make the Christmas Dinner. Sam was helping the boys to make a Lego structure. You had just laid the table, using fancy cutlery, red sparkly place mats and wine glasses with holly leaves on. "It smells amazing," you commented, as you poured yourself another glass of wine.

"I can't believe this is your first Christmas," Sarah said as she started placing various dishes on the table. "Christmas is magical, I couldn't believe when Sam said this was your first."

You shrugged, "Yeah, I guess so," you looked around awkwardly. "I don't know, I mean seeing your kids all excited and that, I wish I'd had that. It just doesn't seem to be the same anymore. Less magical. Especially since my life seems to be falling apart more and more each day." you chuckled to yourself before realising you were talking to practically a random stranger who's couch you were sleeping on. "Shit," you muttered to yourself.

"I'm guessing you didn't have the easiest childhood," Sarah asked, "Or adulthood? Or life up till now? I have to tell you, I was sceptical when Sam asked me."

You nodded, "I understand," you sipped excessively on the wine as Sarah called the others. The truth was, you weren't really sure what you were doing here. When you had arrived, you were just so happy to be with Sam and away from the tower and just in a whole new place but the more you spent time in this house the more your mind wandered to Bucky. What was he doing right now? Who was he with? And the lingering question; Why weren't you there with him? It made you feel awful, you were supposed to be spending time with Sam. He was the nicest and sweetest guy ever and your best friend. You should be happy he was here with you, not thinking about Bucky who screwed you over and made you feel like shit for so long.

You zoned back in, and sat down at the table. Silently, you placed different foods on your plate. Contemplating everything. It was awful, just awful. You could at least be grateful you were here, and you were. Truly. But still, all you could fucking think about was Bucky. It was driving you crazy.

After dinner, Sarah and her kids watched a movie as you and Sam started cleaning up the kitchen. "So I'm thinking that we should start driving up later on, and make it back for Boxing Day? The whole team will be back then, minus Clint obviously," you looked confused. "To the tower,"

"Oh right yeah," you laughed as you stacked some plates into a cupboard. "I'll pack my stuff up after this," it fell silent for a while. The only noise came from plates clinking together. "Thank you Sam, I mean it. I'm really happy I came, thanks for inviting me,"

"It's okay, I'm glad you did come, it was fun," you nodded as Sam handed you the last plate. "You okay?" you nodded as you closed the cupboard. "Okay, see you down here in 20?"

——————

The journey back was long, very very long. You had left just before 7 and been on the roads for hours. It was pretty quiet tho, and Sarah had packed you some leftovers and given you a few travel mugs of coffee.

You made it back to New York in good time, it was ten minutes till midnight. Christmas Day was almost over. And for what it was worth it had been amazing. Your gift, the people you spent it with, the food had been to die for. The whole experience was better than you had imagined. So you were truly grateful to Sam, because for the most part it had kept your mind off what had really been bothering you. Which was the thing you had to deal with now.

However the first thing you did was go up to your room and lie on the bed. The room was cold, but you sunk into the bed for a while just staring at your ceiling. 5 minutes later you left your room to go find Nat and Wanda and find out all about their vacations.

Unfortunately the universe had other ideas and you opened your door at the same time as Bucky. Who looked like he hadn't left his room the whole time you had been gone. In fact, that was a lie, because he had cut his hair short. You only just noticed but it freaked you out, and your eyes widened. You were definetly not expecting it, but it suited it him. He looked really good. Didn't fucking help your situation though. "Hi Buck," you said softly, looking at him. He smiled, "I like your hair, you look good,"

"Thanks," he responded, looking you up and down. You wondered if his girlfriend had convinced him to do that. You couldn't blame her if she did, he looked fine as fuck. "So you're back?"

You shifted from foot to foot, "oh yeah," you responded, "So um...listen. I have been trying to ignore this for weeks. Trust me. But um, I miss you Bucky. And you know what? I wish that my first Christmas in the real world, I wish that I had spent it with you. For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

Before you could walk away Bucky grabbed your wrist gently, he pulled you closer to him before resting his hands on your hips. His eyes were directly locked on yours and your breath hitched in your throat. He kissed you softly at first, taking you by surprise, but soon he roughly grabbed onto your waist as he kept kissing you.

Soon you pulled away, quickly, and rushed to the stairs. You threw open the door and ran up them quickly. What the fuck? Bucky was dating someone else. Hell, he said he had hated you. You had hated him. What had just happened?

"Y/N!" you heard Bucky shout as you kept running. You pushed open the door to the kitchen and fell inside, almost collapsing at the fact you had run up about ten flights of stairs.

Wanda ran to your side, "Jesus y/n, are you okay? What's the matter?" you didn't respond to her question. But you didn't have to, she could easily read your face, and your mind. Her face was shocked. Not only at the mix of emotions, but at the fact you had just sprinted away from the gift you had wanted most this Christmas. "Here," she helped you up as you joined the rest of the team around the game coffee table covered in wine and gin glasses.

Bucky closed his door as he gave up chasing you and retired back to his room. Why had you run away so quickly? There was so many thing left unsaid. So many things he had wanted to say. Like the fact he left Rose. The fact he had driven up to Sarah's house but was too scared to knock so drove back. The fact he had bought you five gifts. The fact he was in love with you. And the fact that there was 2 minutes left of Christmas that the two of you could have spent together.

Authors Note: I am so so sorry for how long this has taken, my mocks took up so much of my time I truly apologise. Anyway I'm back now! How are we all feeling about the Spider-Man no way home trailer? I cant wait to watch it!