✨L I F E G O E S O N✨

💔Ashamed💔

25th June 2013

I almost fell on the floor. The choreography was tough. I was tired. We had recorded the Bulletproof Pt. 2 music video. It was mostly just dancing.

We had danced it through 12 times. I was exhausted. And the director just told us we had to do it again.

I put myself in my position. The others came too. Jungkook stood in front of me. I could see how much responsibility it was for him. I had the feeling that he was putting a lot of pressure on himself. He and I were the centers of the group. He didn't want to make mistakes. Me neither.

Yoongi scolded him two days ago. Why? Because Yoongi wanted to tell him that he could do better. He had tried to get everything out of him. That was while vocal practicing.

Sometimes I wondered why the guys treated me differently in the same situations. I felt like they thought I was weak and they treated me differently because I was a girl.

I knew they didn't mean it in a bad way, but I didn't want them to think of me that way. That's why I tried all the more. I wanted to make everything perfect. Even if it was that I would keep dancing while the others were taking a break, I would set higher goals at the gym or go to bed later then before. I just did it to show them that I wasn't that fragile little girl.

Director: Stop! Cut!

We stopped dancing.

Director: Suri! Focus! Okay again!

Great. Why couldn't I turn my brain off !? We tried again. I did my best. Now my short solo part. I made it. We did it.

Director: Okay! Cut! Thank you. You finished.

Really !? Omo finally! My stylist came to me. Did we still have skedule after that? It was already 7pm. The others had changed in the meantime. Just like me. We got into the van that dropped us off at home. But I stayed seated.

Hoseok: Are you coming Yuyu?

I noticed how tired he was. He tried to express his voice anyway. I shook my head.

Yuyu: I have to do something. I'll be home later.

He just nodded and our manager drove me to the BigHit.

When I wanted to get out but he grabbed my thin arm. I looked him in the eye. He scared me. And he knew that.

Manager: Little one. Give me a kiss. Come on.

He said in a seductive voice. But it was so awful and disgusting.

What? Is he crazy!? But then he kissed me forcefully. He didn't stop. It was gross. I felt gross.

I felt ashamed.

It was worse than what Sung Jin did. He didn't leave any hickeys, however.

Suddenly he got a call and I took the chance to get out. I just wanted to go to the gym. I tried to forget what happened.

Is this a woman's life? I felt terrible. And I was so ashamed. I tried to calm myself down.

* 1:23 a.m. *

I had only just come home now. The boys were already asleep. I decided to sleep on the couch so as not to wake the boys up. But I could sleep. I was disgusted. Disgusted by myself. I wanted to wash myself. But it wake the boys up for sure...