Healer {z.m}

20

Emma Winston

How much dark and twisty I made my life out to be, I have always enjoyed my birthday every year. 

My parents spoiled me in every way, from gifting me the essentials I needed the most at that moment to even throwing parties some year to celebrate my existence. 

I have always enjoyed crowds of people and dancing to the loudest volume. My love for dance has nothing but increased every year. I remember giving a show to all of my friends and family and them applauding me for the amazing moves. 

Dancing was one of the things which made me feel free and wild at the same time. Throwing up my hands in the hair, and shaking my non-existent body, I could actually feel the beats of the music. 

I guess this time was going to be a lot more difficult than the usual self, even though I've tried to think of the day as normal as possible. 

Waking up in the morning, I mentally wish myself a happy birthday and awkwardly patting myself in the back. 

I try on a new dress from the cupboard since I've always had the ritual of wearing new clothes every year from my birthday. 

Having breakfast with the guys apart from Zayn wasn't uncomfortable at all. They all wished me a happy birthday and Harry and Niall even bought me small gifts. 

"Harry, can I borrow your speaker for today?" I ask him while doing the dishes. He looks at me and observes the new dress and smiles yes. 

It's been a few days since I haven't even got a glimpse of Zayn. I wanted to ask one of them where he was but I don't. I don't think I am in the wrong and maybe it was his ego again. 

Without thinking much about him, I grab the speaker from Harry's room and go to my room. I shut the doors and search for my notebook.  

Finding a spare page and a pen, I start scribbling down something that I haven't thought I would ever do.  With my mind playing tricks on me, I decide to just write everything down to make me feel a bit lighter. 

Hey stranger, 

It's been exactly a year. I know that I am trying move on already but I don't think I can so easily. I don't want to talk about my current situation at all but maybe about a guy who is insanely cute? 

I turned 22. 'Our 22'. But this time you are not here and today your absence has been hitting me in the gut a lot more. Your lingering absence is a lot more noticeable this time. This is my first time writing after that day. And it oddly feels weird to write like this again. 

I started writing songs again, A. Some about you and some about certain us. I know that you might be laughing right now since there was no us actually. 

But being a dreamer, I have the privilege to dream about us. And us in my dreams, we are so undeniably beautiful together living our happiest lives. Me playing you the piano every evening, while you lazily but beautifully strum the guitar. 

I wanted to connect with your parents this year but I don't think in any way I am ready. I don't think in any way they or me will ever be ready to face each other. 

I miss you so much even though I shouldn't. Also, I had a blackout a few day back, I thought I was getting a bit stronger and more in control... but then again I wasn't.

I had a clean streak for like six months but I let my emotions get the best of me again. 

I still like you:) 

P.S: I might open your letter today? but i am so afraid. 
        I don't want to grow up without you around. 

e.