She | h.s

thirty-four

Harry was really into the fake dating situation we had put ourselves into. And I wasn't complaining. Well... Maybe a little? I mean I loved it, don't get me wrong. I loved every bit of it. I loved how sweet he was, not that he wasn't already so sweet to me. I loved the good morning messages, and how he had basically remembered the time differences. I loved how much he enjoyed it.

And yet I hated it.

I hated myself mostly, for loving how much he pretended to love me just to scare someone away. I hated how my skin burned in every pet name he'd call me, or every post he'd tag me in. I hated how much it was all for show.

I hated how much I wanted to tell him to stop pretending and just love me already. As if he would.

It was insanely stupid, embarrassing almost. I mean, how stupid and how fast I had fallen for him, especially because it started with a fake-dating trope. This was my life, real fucking life, not some romantic comedy playing in HBO after they'd run out of Game of Thrones episodes to air.

It didn't help that he was half the world away, and that I couldn't just kiss him to find out if he was just playing pretend.

I hated the distance the most.

I wanted him to touch me, to whisper things into my ear, to hold me and to do everything a romance novel would spew. I wanted that night where we'd gotten off together again, but for it all to be real.

And the thing is, I say all of these things as I wasn't the biggest coward in planet earth. It's a dangerous thing really, falling in love with him. He's turned into one of my best friends, and I don't want to ruin that. But there was no going back, so maybe I had already ruined it all.

I stare blankly at my screen, Harry's newest Instagram post staring back at me.

"Daisies littered wherever I go." The caption reads, along with a photo of plucked daisies positioned into a hat he was wearing. The sun was setting in the background, as he sat on a field in a black muscle tee with a flannel discarded.

He had a sheepish smile plastered onto his face, along with a pair of sunglasses that showed his arms stretched out with his phone in the reflection. His curls popping out of the sides of his face and underneath the brown hat, one he had been fond of as of recently as I recall the way he rambled on how much he liked the style.

His hair had been getting long, and he looked like a prince.

I liked the post immediately, commenting something sweet before locking my phone to sleep. Throwing it onto my bed, I pace back and forth debating on whether or not I should tell him how I truly felt.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Picking my phone back up, I scramble through my contacts to phone Louis, the only person I knew who would be completely and utterly honest with me in this very moment.

"Hello?" his voice echos as he answers me, my pulse thrashing against my body.

"Lou, I need you to be honest with me right now," I say, my voice shaking with every breath I took.

"What's up D?" He asked.

"I think I'm gonna do it," I say vaguely, and immediately he catches on, gasping on the other end.

"You're gonna do it? As in, tell him? Is that what's going on?" He rushes out to say and I nod. Realizing that he couldn't see me, I him out a yes, making him gasp once again.

"I think I'm gonna tell him how I feel, I just don't know if I'm making the right decision."

"What's the plan?"

"I think I wanna call him, later today. It's almost dark out in London I think, around five pm there?" I say to myself, checking for the time differences. "I think I want to call him tonight, just to tell him how I feel."

"Fucking finally," he humors me on the other end, "I'm proud of you, I just know it's gonna go well."

"I hope it does, if I end up distraught later on crying and begging you guys to get drunk with me, you'll know why." I say, pacing back and forth.

"I'm gonna go to the park for a bit, really think about what I wanna say to him." I say, hearing him hum on the other end of the phone.

"I'm rooting for you Dais, I love you so much," He says, making my heart warm.

"I love you too, I'll call you guys later."

Grabbing a pair of pants and shimmying into them as quick as possible, I run my fingers through my hair and grab a coat and some shoes to make my departure quickly. Suddenly making a mental note to call my mother as soon as possible as well as I grab my phone and keys, heading out.

I always loved the feeling of being outdoors, local parks and playgrounds being the best place to think at, especially by yourself. I walk around, letting the air fill my lungs as the cold New York breeze gushes through.

This was going to be good, I just knew it.

Sitting down on a swing, I think of everything I wanted to say, every emotion I wanted—- needed to convey to him.

I break away from my thoughts as someone clears their throat, making my eyes go to the figure in front of me as they sit next on the swing adjacent to me.

"So stalking has gone from online to real life now I guess, Liam?" I sigh, not needing this interaction.

"Listen Daisy, I know we don't always meet eye-to-eye, but I do really like you. Everything about you, I just can't get you out of my mind. I know it sounds crazy, we've only been talking, really talking, for a few months, but I think we could really be—-"

"Liam, I'm going to be as blunt as possible, as being kind to you has seemingly never worked in my favor. I don't want to fuck you, I don't want to date you, I don't want to be around you." I let out a breath. "We're just too different as individuals, I don't agree with the way you act or the way you speak, and I cannot stress this enough, I have a boyfriend."

"A boyfriend I really do love, so much, sometimes I feel like bursting when he says my name. Who I am literally going to speak to tonight and count down the days until I'd finally get to meet him, even if that hasn't even been decided yet. So I am so sorry, but I just cannot be around you anymore." I finally say, leaving him speechless.

"Oh," He says, the silence is painfully awkward now.

"Sorry..." I mutter out, "That was a lot,"

"No, I get it... My fault for still trying I guess"

"Yep," I say awkwardly. "I'm gonna go now, don't text me." I say, getting up from the cold metal swing and he nods.

"Goodbye Liam, stop wasting your time with all of this. Being single might be the best for you right now, you've got a lot of fucked up shit you need to resolve," I say and he chuckles, nodding his head once again.

"Goodbye Daisy,"

//

these next few chapters are not going to go how any of you think it will......... brace yourselves.