BROKEN

Part ten

I could hear my heart beating, my head was pounding, I was breathing heavily. The only sound that could be heard in the bathroom was the sound of my futile attempt to get up
I cringed when I saw a small pool of blood on the floor.
My nose was still bleeding, I desperately clung to the sink in an attempt to stand on my two feet.
Groggily I made my way out of the bathroom and crawled my way to my bed
I was dizzy from the blood and I hadn't eaten for a while, is this how I would die
I chuckled at that thought, I would welcome death at anytime as long as it took me from this world.

I lay on the ground facing my cartoonized ceiling, just simply wallowing in my own self pity and blood
A couple more minutes of wallowing in my pain, I found the energy to stand up. Peeled my wet and bloodstained uniform from my body, took a very scalding hot shower, I liked the fact that it burned my skin, I enjoyed the burning and prickling sensation. I looked at the small pool of blood on the floor and cleaned it, did my laundry.

I did my homework while muching on a bag of fruitloops, I heard the front door open and slam shut, so I went downstairs and saw mom
She ran over and hugged me " my sweetheart " I smiled and it was fake it was the real deal, all I needed was a motherly hug and I was fine
Thank God for giving me a mother like mine.
"Hi mom" She let me go and raised her hands to touch my cheeks
"Sweetheart you look pale what happened to you " she held my hands and saw the burnt skin where I had poured hot tea on my self this morning
And my skin a light colour of red after I showered
"What happened lotus" she asked
"I was making hot tea this morning and I was in a hurry so It poured on my hand that's all mom " She looked at me trying to find traces of me lying but I had perfected my poker face so she couldn't tell
She told me to go upstairs and rest while she made dinner I nodded absentmindedly and went upstairs.

The worst things about putting up a facade is putting up a mask
And all day I put up a mask.
I wore a mask of indifference when I ignored Malvolio While I was crumbling inside
I wore a mask of pretence when I heard the whispers of my mates
I wore the mask of fake smiles when I was in my mother's presence
I wore the mask of bravery when in the presence of my peers
I am a coward, I couldn't face my emotions like a brave person and so I split my personality to suit everyone I met

I was the intelligent and nerdy looking girl to Mal
I was the talented and quiet child to my mother
I was the idiot who tried to climb her way to the social ladder to my peers
But who was I really? No-one ever asked me that question
I am broken that was all I was, just empty
I lay on my bed just waiting for my mother to call me downstairs for dinner and she did so after 45minutes
We sat down and ate, mom was telling me about the conference she went for and I listened patiently creatively making comments and acting as though I was interested so she wouldn't notice the crack in my mask of fake smiles
We said our good nights and went to our respective rooms
I went to window sill and sat there looking at the celestial that I shared a quality with
Ah the moon
My kindred spirit, but unlike the moon I had no stars to keep me compared and unlike the moon I had no natural glow of my own

I sighed and got off my window sill and grabbed my bottle of  sleeping medicine seeing I had only two pills remaining I took them I would need to restock I couldn't tell mom that I still used pills to sleep so I hid them well.
I climbed my bed and covered my self with my comforter
I grabbed my phone, Mal had stopped sending messages since I blew him of this morning.
He had finally given up on me, I smiled sadly at that thought I couldn't keep stringing him along In my mess.
I clutched my phone tighter when I saw a picture of Ivan, Analise, Aurelia, Malvolio and others smiling they looked so happy
I wanted that, I craved that, I hungered for happiness.
I hated the fact that they had it and not me
I hated the fact that Analise was hugging Ivan and he stroked her hair his fingers
He held my hand with those same
I couldn't help the pang of jealousy that coursed my veins
And I looked at Aurelia who flashed her pearly white at Mal and  he looked at her as If she were the most precious thing to happen in his existence
I guess she is, she is the definition of perfection and I wasn't with that heartache I released a choked sob, I didn't want mom to hear, so I sobbed in my pillow till I fell asleep

I woke up in the morning with a banging headache but I knew I couldn't show it because mom was around
I summoned the courage to wear the mask of pretence today
I took my bath and did my morning routine
Pegasus High didn't have a uniform for Friday so we were allowed to wear what ever we wanted

I wore blue because I was feeling blue( get it 😃)
I but my hair in a pony tail, wore my glasses and went downstairs
Mom and I made our way out the door, mom parked beside Malvolio car, I mentally groaned because I could see he and his crew leaning on the car
I put on a brave face, kissed mom on the cheek goodbye and got out
I waved goodbye to my haven and as I turned around my fore head made contact with a chest.
I looked up and saw malvolio

I said excuse me and sidestepped him and ran into the school
I wanted him to stop trying, I wanted him to hate me
Was that so hard, I grabbed my books from my locker and was on my to literature class when a hand yanked me into a closet
My white eyes made contact with his citrine ones Ivan.

He caressed my cheek, tilted his head and said " why are you avoiding me?"

A/n

How you doing 😊