BROKEN

Forty four.

"Wait up" I swear Ivan was going to talk to me, I didn't care If I had to force him to.
"Go away Ackerman "
"We need to talk"
"No, you want to talk. I don't want to "
"Why, this is important "
"Well it can wait, until I'm ready to talk "
" you are behaving like a child ivan" he immediately stopped walking, I would have bumped into his back, if I wasn't quick to note he stopped walking.
The air around me felt choked with ice, I could still hear the sound of music faintly from how far we had walked.
"Don't you get tired lotus." My face contorted into one of guilt and confusion. His voice seemed to be carrying a weight to it, he sounded as though this conversation was weighing him down, it had a touch of anguish to it
"Tired of what?"
"Tired of fighting and arguing" he ran his hands through his hair and released an exasperated sigh "when I came here, honestly you were the last person I wanted to see lotus. Just please let me be "
" but we need to talk Ivan "
"We don't, you said all you needed to three years ago, why can't you stick with the descions you make, you decided to throw me out of your life lotus."
"I was angry and confused "
"The truest of words are said in anger " he said softly. "Just let me be please lotus"  I watched him walk away, opened his car door and I watched him speed away. I sat on the curb dejected, how was it that whenever I decided to show him that I was mature enough and I had changed, I ended up acting like a spoilt brat. My phone rang in my pocket and I picked it up.
"Oh thank God, lotus where are you for Christ's sake" I don't even know what made me cry, the fact that I was scolded by Malvolio or Ivan rejection
"I'm fine, I came out for fresh air. I want to go home" my voice was hoarse with tears unshed, tears I was holding in
"Okay I'll meet you by the car " Mal voice was softer now. I dusted my self off and walked to the car where keiran and Malvolio were waiting. I just kept my mouth clamped shut while they drove Me home. They probably knew it had something to do with Ivan
"Goodnight guys "
"You sure you don't want to talk about it" I shook my head No before climbing down and giving a small wave goodbye.
I walked into the apartment and I saw my aunt Neriah studying a case file most likely. Documents were strewn on the coffee table.
She raised her head up when she saw me come in, she looked at the time before looking back at me.
"You're back before curfew" I nodded
"The party was a bust" my voice was shaky. She cleared the space beside her and I took it as a sign to sit knowing my aunt she would find out the information anyways, she just wanted me to get it off my chest.
" I feel horrible aunty, I make so many mistakes." I just sat there talking about the many mistakes I had made when it came to Ivan. I had told Aunt Neriah about everything that happened in my life but this was the first time I told her about ivan.
"Can I ask you something lotus" I gave her a slight nod.
"Were you aware that you hurt him?"
I began fiddling with my thumbs, I guess I  subconsciously knew what and how much I hurt ivan.
"Yes aunty."
"Do you want the bitter truth or the coated one lotus"
"The bitter one"
"I think you do this on purpose to keep him interested. You like toying with him and honestly you love the chase but anytime he comes close you end up pushing him away. You think it's a game lotus. You are playing a sick twisted game at the expense of a man who would do anything for you." The truth hurts, I should have know when I asked for the truth from my very blunt Aunt, it would sting.
"To be honest you're being intentionally being toxic. You grew up in a house that was awful and venomous, and you listened to your mother quite a number of times before you realised how she was. What I saying lotus is don't be your mother, don't look for toxic love just like your family had. Don't go down that path, it doesn't end well."
I dug my fingers deep in my palm, while tears ran down my eyes, I knew we should never speak ill of the dead but I wanted to curse my mother but then I realised I could have chosen another path but I willingly followed in the footsteps of my mother. I laid on my aunt's lap curled into a ball while she soothingly stroked my white curls, it reminded me of the times when I moved here and I'd see a therapist most times I came home crying and my aunt would calm me.
"Do you want tea "
"No I'm just going to sleep" the crying had begun to make my eyes droop, I told my aunt goodnight before marching to my room. I took off my clothes and cleaned up before closing my eyes and letting my senses be overtaken with sleep.