BROKEN

Thrity-four

The cold air was piercing through my skin, was heaven supposed to be this cold or had my Death frozen hell, maybe the grim reaper doubted my undying zeal to end my pitiful life. I heard voices and sirens, the afterlife was not supposed to be this crowded.
Before I knew it I felt a pressure on my chest before I began to cough of the water, my body had injested. Why couldn't they just have let me die in peace, I pushed whoever was holding close away and began behaving hysterically, I looked and felt like a denied drenched puppy but I couldn't care less, I wanted to die, why wasn't life going to grant me that one wish.

I pounded my fists on whoever was holding me,  my vision was blurry so i couldn't make out the many faces around but I could tell from his scent that Ivan was the one who found me.
"Let me die in peace please Ivan " I tried to reason with him maybe he'd understand but he denied my request . Who was he to decide if I should die or not, I shoved him away harshly and began to run like a mad woman back into the river. I was finally at my breaking point. The pieces that held me together and were incinerating into ashes.

Before I could reach the water, I was pulled back by the paramedics, they held back from diving back into the water
I struggled in their arms "please let me go " I continued to scream and shout hysterically 'I want to die, please let me" I was sure I going insane, finally life you have driven me mad. I continued to struggle and claw my way out of their iron grip.

The grim reaper was already leading me by the hand from the land of the living until Ivan brought me back to life, all my gnawing efforts became shambles in a matter of minutes. I was pushed gently into the the ambulance and sedated, even in My half trance state I was mumbling how much I hated life and pretty much every thing pertaining to it, the sedative had already begun to take effect. My eyes blurred with unshed tears before I saw nothing but black.

Great I was back in the hospital, I wasn't dead yet
I was just a pathetic excuse of a human, I couldn't even commit suicide without failing, my life was just a joke, a worthless one at that. Simply comic. My mind was more sane than the last time I was awake, I remembered my desperation to die yesterday or what I thought was yesterday, I don't know how days or weeks had passed. I pushed the button asking for a nurse, A few minutes later, a doctor and a nurse walked into the room, I sat up a bit while they poked and probed me, the nurse had a petrified look on her face when she saw my silvery white eyes, she looked at me as though she had seen an exotic animal, her gaze lingered on me so much that I began to recoiling at her gaze.

"It's rude to stare" my head immediately snapped to the door where the sound had come from, Ivan was here, staring at me with anger swirlling his citrine orbs. He studied me for a while before looking at the nurse who looked at me as though I was a demon. The doctor said some certain things but I couldn't hear a word of what he was saying, my snowlike orbs were locked with very angry citrine ones. I heard the door open and close signalling that the doctor and nurse had left. The tension in the room could be cut in half, It was thick, heavy and tension filled. I could feel his anger radiating off him in waves, I immediately gulped, I was In for a ride of a life time with Ivan vikor.
LOTUS ACKERMAN YOU ARE SO SCREWED.

He took predatory steps towards me, I felt the bile rise to my throat, I was incapable of forming coherent words.
"I'm sorry" I blurted out in haste, maybe it would satiate his anger but I doubted if he'd forgive me so easily
He cocked his head to a side and continued to bore holes with his eyes into my delicate skin "what are you sorry for hmm lotus, you're apology is useless to me," his words had stung, he looked as if he wanted to explode in anger but held himself back. I had really pushed Ivan to his limits but I had also been testing life's limits soo...
Before I could reply, my oh so dear mother burst in.
"Lotus, you are going to tell the officers the truth of how devan didn't try to rape you and how much you paraded yourself infront of him because you hated me being happy..."
"ENOUGH" I boomed out, I was shocked that I had  the strength to shout like that.
"I will tell them the truth of how your boyfriend tried to force him self on me, and how much he hurt me, slapping my face over and over again,  cutting my flesh with my violin bow string " I choked on my words as I relived the memories again
"Lies , all lies, how could you lie about this lotus. My boyfriend is a good Man.."
"He is not a good man, he hurt me, tried to rape, the proof is literally on the walls of the house but yet you refuse to believe me, are you blind truly of pretending to be ?
Have you no empathy or maternal instinct foryour daughter laying on the hospital bed"
"No, I have no empathy for a daughter like you, you are broken and need to be fixed, you are clearly not doing well mentally that's why you are making these things up aren't you Lotus, your days in clearminds didn't do you well enough.."
"Get out now mom" She didn't leave, she just stood there judging me with her beady Hazel eyes
"GET THE FUCK OUT NOW, JOSEPHINE ." I picked up the book beside me and threw it at her retreating figure, she closed the door before it could hit her.
"Just leave " I mumbled in a small voice

Ivan and I were back to the heavily permeated silence that hung so freely in the air
"If you want to scold me, just go" I said but he just silently stood there watching me
"Look I'm ashamed and sorry for putting you in this situation..." Ivan cut me off
"Unbelievable! Do you hear the nonsense you are spewing, you aren't sorry for trying to kill yourself, do you think of anything apart from your fucking selfish desire to die." His voice slighty raised at the end statement
"You have no right to blame me or judge me for wanting to die, you don't know what I've been through."
"Then enlighten me lotus, tell me the shit you've been through, you don't just get to end your life like it doesn't matter. Do you know how many people would give their anything for the breath of life you have. How ungratefully selfish and self predatorial can you be ?"
His words hit me like a truck, he was right a lot of people long for the breath of life I have now but I was my life and I decide to do what I want with it.
"It's my life Ivan and I decide what I want with it" i hear him chuckle darkly, It sends shivers down my spine in a bad way
"Your life hmm lotus, did you think of the people connected to you, keiran, Malvolio did you think of how your death would Hurt them or you thought everyone is devoid of sentiment as you."

He was saying and hitting the right spot with the truth and his words Hurt more than I'd like to admit. "Why do you care, you're just a spoilt rich kid like everyone else in that perturbed school, without a sense of understanding the hardships of life , just prancing around like you own everything, spending daddy's money" I see clearly that I struck a nerve, when I saw his jaw clench.Ivan was anything but spoiled but a sadistic part of me wanted to hurt him.
"You know you're right I don't know why I care about you, you are evasive and plainly selfish and pretentious, you think you have problems or you are the only one who had dealt with loss, you should imagine my suffering when my whole family died infront of me or how I was passed from one  fucking Foster home to another but as I said you're selfish, everything is always lotus and her pushing people away thinking she's try to save them from hurt but that's not what you're doing lotus.
You have no clue,the things I dropped nor left behind just to be with you.." I couldn't stop myself from blurting out more fuel to this maddening fire
"I never asked you to" I bit my tongue from saying anything else but the damage had been done already
"You push away anyone who could ever care for you why?" He looked at me awaiting a response but I didn't say a word.
"That's what I fucking thought lotus, have a nice life lotus,  I hope dealing with you demons is worth your while." I looked down when I heard the door slam shut.
This was what I wanted right then why did it hurt so much.

A/N
Poor ivan