BROKEN

Twenty seven

I was finally getting discharge today, after two gruelling weeks of slipping in and out of consciousness and one week for observation, I was finally getting discharged.
Keiran hadn't left my side, he was stuck to me like a glue, he would always keep me company when I was alone.
Devan and mom always visited, but everytime she did we'd always end up fighting
Devan was more cool headed although he got the burnt of our crossfire, I wondered why he put up with her.

We were packing my things from the room, keiran, Malvolio and devan were helping me while mom was with the doctor
"White head are you taking this with you" I snapped my head to keiran and realised he was talking about the Juliet roses "yes I am " he nodded. I hadn't seen the person who got me those flowers in a week. Ever since I had fully woken up, he didn't come anymore. He was really making my head and heart ache so often.
I let out a dejected sigh, I had really gotten attached to him,
I came up with ridiculous reasons why he couldn't visit me like maybe his cat died or something but deep down I know that he maybe didn't care as much as I thought he did, I was just a burden to him that thought saddened Me more.

Malvolio drapped his hands around my shoulder "are you still thinking about ivan" I didn't want to lie to Malvolio, he had been here just as much as keiran was, he took extra notes for me in class as well. He was absolutely a sweetheart
"No I'm not Mal, he obviously doesn't care about me anymore" I've always feared someone abandoning me or using me as an object to satiate their curiosity.
"Okay guys let's go" mom interrupted Mal before he could call me out on my lie.
I straightened out my hoodie dress, clasped my hands with malvolio's outstretched one and carefully took step after step

Her dress^
By the time, we had gotten to the hospital exit, I was a mess, I hadn't walked long distances in weeks, my legs were just going to have to adjust.
I waved Mal and keiran good bye from devan car.
They had their lives too, I could keep them with me. I heard the rev of a motorbike and a car signalling that they had left. I turned from watching them go and faced front when devan took his seat at the driver side and we began our journey home.
I was close to falling asleep when mom talked ' lotus I don't want you being friends with that boy " I have had enough of this, why does she always want to argue
"What boy" I gritted out
"The boy with the dimple piercing"
"Where did you ever  meet someone like him ?" She questioned
" I met him at the mental institution you cast me into " my statement got her to shut up, I couldn't be more happier when I saw our house
I can't handle being in an enclosed space with a woman child.
Devan helped me upstairs with my bags. I opened and walked into my room. I immediately crashed on the floor sobbing
I was crying because I felt exhausted for one
I was crying because no matter what wrong mother had done to me I still loved her
I was crying because I was weak and still wanted her approval
I wanted her to look at me the way she did with my sister lily and my brother Arden
I just wanted her to love me, no matter what happened I wanted motherly affection. I realised that ever motherly instinct she had, once it came to me, It was dead.

Was I just impossible to love, why was my case different.
Love ignores me, while hatred clings on to me, Aurelia and my mates hated me even though they didn't know me.
Everyone seemed to despise my very existence, I choked on my tears once again, I was coughing violently, my throat was closing, I staggered into the bathroom and took a puff of albuterol into my system. I felt the pain in my chest lessen, I wish my inhaler could lessen the pain in heart, just as it lessens the pain in my chest. I wiped my face with wipes and walked out of bathroom and crawled on my bed. I covered my mouth in attempt to stop the loud sob that escaped my mouth and eyes
My body was seized with pain and tears, I felt an insurmountable pain coursing through my body.
I had no idea how much time passed until I heard a soft knock at my door "lotus, dinner is ready" I heard devan's voice
I croaked out an okay I'll be there. I uncurled my self from the ball I set my self In. I washed my face even though my eyes were puffy from crying, i looked presentable, I changed out of my hoodie dress into sweatpants and a wool cardigan

I marched downstairs lazily, I sat in silence at the dinner table watching mom sit where  dad used to, my heart tugged when I realised tomorrow was his birthday, I closed my eyes fighting back the tears, I remembered how we spent his birthday last year, I thought mom was so inlove with him atleast so I thought, I knew better than to trust her now. I doubt she remembered that tomorrow was his birthday.
I made my mind to spend his birthday tomorrow with him in the cemetery.
"Is the food not to your liking " devan asked, I snapped my eyes open and realised that I had been stabbing the pasta with my fork. It suddenly irritated me "it's fine, I'm just not hungry." I slowly pushed the food away.
Mom was undoubtedly about to say something very rude when devan cut her off with a hard stare.
"Could you atleast eat a bit before you take your medication" he said, mom scoffed lightly but I still heard, just to spite her I pulled the food closer and ate.
Devan insisted on clearing the dishes when we were done, he brought my medication and a room temperature water
He watched as I swallowed, he was more caring than mom but I wasn't going to trust him easily.
He gave me my phone that I hadn't seen in weeks, I said a thank you and a goodnight before going upstairs for a well deserved nap.