BROKEN

twenty eight.

My fingers hovered over Ivan's number, I was contemplating if I should call him or not.
My head and my heart were having one hell of an argument, each making fairly good points.
Maybe I could thank him for the roses but then hearing his voice would make my heart and head ache the more, in the end I locked my phone and placed it on the table before falling asleep.

I woke up with a pounding headache, my body was burning up, I thought I was going to die, this had been happening for days I get little snippets of memories that the trauma had made me forget, I laid there just for a while letting my body adjust and my brain to relax, when I felt my strength return I threw the blanket off my body and let my sock covered feet pad across my room.
Today is my late father's birthday, I wondered if there was a celebration for him in the afterlife, it was heartwrenching when I thought of how many years he had to put up with mother's fake facade. I looked at my reflection In the mirror, my old friend. I hated what I looked like, I looked like someone drained and battered by life surely I was but it didn't need to harshly point it out.
The mirror shouldn't have to make your flaws prominent. Some people saw perfection when the gazed upon their translucent reflection in the mirror, but when I looked at the mirror, I only saw an empty shell, someone so hollow that the air blowing would make a sound.
The mirror made a picturesque out of my scars, It never hid the truth about how truly broken I was.

I always snorted when someone thought I was beautiful, I knew what I saw in the mirror, I was nothing compared to others, I was simply a tool to spite my father and an object to satiate peoples curiosity. I think myself sometimes as a lab rat, just born for the sake of pleasing others, never to have a say in things, I was more of a puppet than a person. I brushed my silvery white curls from my face, and my white piercing eyes glowered at my reflection, I tightened my grip on the curling iron I was holding, I pressed the iron on my palms to burn my skin, I smelt my skin charring from the curling iron but my gaze on the mirror didn't falter, I was beyond angry, I felt cheated and enraged. In a fit of anger I threw the curling iron right at the mirror, I watched it crack before loudly shattering. I took a shard of glass and sliced my charred palm, I got a sadistic pleasure from hurting my self, I knew it was wrong but I had experienced so many a great pain in my life that I didn't know where to start. I was hurting and I didn't know what to do to alleviate it, my heart was just like the mirror I had broken just shattered.

I looked at the crimson colour metallic substance that coursed my veins creating a little puddle beside me, I took a deep breath, cleaned my self inflicted wound and the mirror I had angrily broken before talking a boiling bath and getting dressed for my day at the cemetery

Her outfit^
I stuffed my things in my bag before walking down the stairs
"Where are you going too?" Great just what I needed this morning
I took In a deep and faced her "I am going to see my dad, your late husband who's birthday is today but you seemed to have forgotten "I saw her face contort with guilt, she had really forgotten today was dad's birthday, how could she have forgotten his very existence in a short time.
I bit my tongue to prevent any harsh words from bursting out
I just simply turned around and walked out of the house.

I literally walked robotically to the cemetery, I almost got hit by a car when I was buying flowers and also while crossing the street. I had achieved a new level of numbness. It was really easy for her to forget dad, while I clutched onto the memories I had to keep Me sane but I realise I had been hanging unto a non existent strand of hope that maybe things would be okay for me but all I hoped for was thwarted right infront of my eyes

I made my way infront of my father's grave
I placed bouquet of orchids on his headstone."Happy birthday dad" I looked at  the engraving on his headstone
Loving father, brother and husband
Christopher Ackerman.

I had already started crying, he truly was loving, even though in the few months that I thought less of him, when I was stranded he always was there for me
Always there and I repaid his fatherly love with a treacherous behavior. I was ashamed of myself. I felt so stupid and used
All because I wanted her to love me like she  did with my sister lily and my brother Arden, she exploited my craving for her attention and used it against me. I was the biggest mistake on planet earth, I couldn't even swear loyalty to my dad anymore. The biggest support system I ever had was cruelly taken away from me.
"I'm sorry dad. Forgive me " If he could hear me I am very sorry. I knelt down beside his grave and traced the cold tiles with my fingers. I sat there for an hours just talking to him, catching him up on my life and apologising for my idiocy.  I got up fron my make shift seat when I realised the sky was getting darker. I prayed for dad to find eternal rest before packing up and leaving

I walked to the entrance and because I was paying attention to where I was going, my head crashed into something, I looked up and met his citrine Hazel swirling orbs and all breath was knocked out from my lungs.

A/N

I am sooo sleepy 😴