BROKEN

Thrity - three

Weak
Pathetic
A bloody mistake
A human waste
A colossal waste of sperm and egg cells
A freak of nature
I wonder why you couldn't have been aborted.

Words that intertwined together, tightly woven together until the fabricated me 'Lotus Ackerman'
My whole body was wracked with pain, I felt the needle of the IV in my skin, I hear the beep of the pulse monitor.
I could feel but couldn't open my eyes nor mouth, I wish I could just die already.
It really aches when you feel as though you are going around in circles but every turn hurts more than the last, the swords pierce my heart with every turn I take. The roads are familiar but the pain hurts more and more.
I can't take it anymore, what else could life take away, I'd gladly give up my life if it was its price.

What do I have to offer, nothing. I am the definition of living dead, I have nothing in me to push me forward, if I could turn back time, I would stop myself from being born, I would slit my throat if it prevented a waste like me from being born. I am not hard on my self just honest. I had nothing to live for
Absolutely Nothing,  the emptiness in my heart encompasses each vein and fiber in my body. 

Me being alive helps nobody, I am more of a tragedy than a blessing. All I am is a pitiful excuse of a human and its the truth that had been drilled in my head from the day I was birthed.
I let my depressing thoughts run wild while intently listening to the beep of the heart monitor beside me. I heard the door open before I became unconscious.

I didn't know whether it was day or night, or even how many days I had spent unconscious. I was not even bothered, the peace that darkness Brought me was like any other, I finally figured out who I truly was 'A living dead' . I had nothing else to live for
I had no will to fight for anything or anyone again, I had no anchor no ties to the land of the living, all I was doing was waiting for the grim reaper to take me away, I wasn't worth fussing over not like anyone cared though. The only time the door opened, it was the nurse coming to check on me, no-one ever visited perhaps they weren't allowed or they just didn't care. Anyways i was thankful that nobody showed up, it just solidified my resolve.
I was going to end this measly life of mine, I wasn't worthy of life anymore.

My whole vision was clouded with black, I heard voices but I  couldn't tune into it,  I concentrated as hard as I could . Mom and someone were arguing .
" I want you to drop the charges against my boyfriend devan ."
"No ma'am, he is accused of attempted rape , if he's as innocent as you claim he is, he would be a man and show himself."
"How dare you insinuate such nonsense , my boyfriend is a decent man, he never tried to rape her."
"Well we await your daughters recovery, so she can tell us what happened.'
I could sense the anger in mom's words " Well I'm telling you, Lotus probably threw her self to him, she's an attention seeker you see. I'm a psychologist and I know my daughter well enough to tell you she's just acting out, she's been given signals to devan officer niklov "
"You should be ashamed of yourself, that's your daughter for Christ's sake...."
I abruptly tuned out of the conversation, I finally found out what the woman who gave me life, basically she thought I was an attention seeking child who whored around.

I had bottled up the tears and waited till I heard the door slam shut before letting a tear drop slide from my heavily shut eyelids. Was I really that bad of a daughter for my own flesh and blood to treat me as such. What had I done to deserve this heavy feeling that sits so comfortably on my heart.
Do I really deserve this angst ?
Is redemption possible for someone like me ?
Could I be cleansed of  an unknown sin ? What had I ever done to deserve this ?
I was crying but my eyes were closed, I was in a trance like state yet I could feel the salty wetness trailing down my cheeks. I cried my self to exhaustion until a darker shade of black called for my consciousness.

After days of silence and silently waiting like a panther to pounce, I opened parted my eyelids, I had already memorised the in and out of the nurses coming to my room, I removed the needle connected to the IV from my hand, I stood up on shaky legs, picked up the long coat from the chair and wore it. I was immediately sent to heaven when I smelt the cologne mixed with his raw scent . For a moment I wanted to cave into my desire to remain with him but I couldn't my mind had already been made up.

I wore the coat over my hospital gown, my feet were clad in thick woollen socks, I waited till the coast was clear before leaving the hospital room. It wasn't easy but I made it out of the hospital. I ran with my weak frail legs, I ran as though the devil was hot on my trail. Passers-by looked at me as though I was insane maybe I was, maybe I wasn't . I was loosing touch with life, I couldn't even tell who lotus Ackerman was anymore, not like I knew who I was anyways.
I walked so far in to the dense woods, I knew there was a rocky river behind in the woods, I went there to clear my thoughts, I used to think I was strong but I knew now how weak I truly was, I was undoubtedly the most cowardly human to exist, I didn't face my problems head on like I was taught. I took the cowards way out and ran away from them but now I was going to face death and I was not afraid, I had nothing to live for anymore.

My feet moved accordingly as if they knew this was the last time they were going to be used, my whole body was shutting down, one organ after the other, maybe it was my imagination or it was the effect of yanking the IV out of my hands. I finally made it to my finally resting place, the river had an orange reddish hue created  the sun glaring down on its clear waters, I sat on the rocky pile just appreciating the wonders of God Almighty, It was truly a picturesque moment, this was what I wanted to remember life as before I  plunged myself into the unknown. I stood up from the rock, and took off Ivan's coat, I hugged it close to my body, as though I was hugging Ivan goodbye.

I dropped the coat on the rock and began walking into the river, with every step I took, a tear fell from my eyes. I was inaudibly saying goodbye to everyone and everything
Goodbye Ivan vikor
Goodbye Malvolio sandaval
Goodbye keiran salvatore
I said goodbye to everyone I had ever known and had showed me kindness.
I wrapped my hands around myself before saying my farewell to my self or what ever was left of me.
Goodbye lotus Ackerman and with that I submerged my self deep underwater and let myself drown
I let the water fill being before everything went dark. .