The mirror showed me how truly broken I was, it showed me how unable I was to live happy
Terrible experiences turned my body into a painting of scars and insurmountable pain I had put my heart and soul on getting forgiveness but in the end I lost m...
Your father is dead He's dead He's not coming back He died in a car accident I'm never seeing him again The man who birthed is gone Poof, like the wind, He's never coming back.
It took a couple days for that thought to finally reel in my mind. I looked at the man who lay in the coffin, I didn't see the man who hurt me I saw the man who took me to the park, played with me, nursed my wounds, told me funny stories. I saw the man who I loved regardless of what he did, I saw the man who saw my tears, who heard my laughs I loved this dead man, and I never told him.
I love you dad, I love you so much Christopher Ackerman I caressed his very cold cheek, held his ice cold hands . He felt nothing anymore, he's gone for life. I drifted through the memorial service , I had achieved a new level of numbness, I literally felt nothing anymore
I felt nothing when my father's family looked at me with disgust I felt nothing when they said I was a curse, I felt nothing when they shoved me outside the church and I felt nothing when my grandfather said I was a bastard.
Mom and I waited till they all left before I could pay my respects to my father. The clouds were gloomy and so was I, when the first tear dropped from my eye, I felt the first rain drop on my skin, I released a scream when thunder roared, as if on cue my heavy tears mixed with the rain, my knees gave out and I almost fell down but mom caught me before I did.
We walked to the car and silently she drove home, we walked in together, she held my hand as we walked I wasn't sure I could walk without assistance. She left me in the living room to get dry clothes I changed into the clothes robotically, I wasn't even sure when I changed into sweatpants I sat down mechanically and ate the soup infront of me It tasted bland in my mouth, it had no taste, it was noodle soup, dad's favourite my hand shakily dropped the spoon back in the bowl, I suddenly lost my appetite
Mom looked at me, she sighed and said "are you sure you want to go to school tomorrow?" School, I had not gone to school in a week, it was the last place I wanted to be but I need to get out of the house "Y...yes m..m...mmom" my stuttering had become more prominent over the past week. She huffed an okay, I kissed her cheek goodnight and went upstairs to sleep, I crashed on my bed with a soft thud and let the fatigue of crying lull me to sleep.
The sound of my alarm woke me up and I literally rolled out of bed I couldn't find it in me to stand up, I crawled my way to bathroom, did my morning routine and got ready for school I went downstairs and saw mom packing my lunch, I greeted her and she finally gave me my phone after a week She hid my phone because I had tried dialing dad's number like a maniac when she told me he was dead. I wanted him to pick up and tell me he was alive but sadly he was never going to pick up the phone I knew better now. I packed my things and followed her to the car.
The feeling of dread washed over me when I saw the black gates that I hadn't seen in over a week I huffed out a breath, picked up my bag and phone and said goodbye to mom before stepping out of the car
I took a deep breath before taking a step to the building. I had seen Malvolio's text asking me where I had been in school for a week,he never apologised for insulting me. I took one weak step after the other into the other, I knew people thought me crazy with how slow I was walking, I walked over to my locker ignoring Ivan and Analise making out opposite me. My knees almost gave out and my heart almost exploded I was an asthma attack, I hurriedly looked for my inhaler, I was clutching my locker door to keep from fall face flat I sighed in relief when I took a puff of albuterol. I visibly relaxed. My eyes made contact with Ivan's eyes, he saw me, he saw me have an attack He saw my vulnerability, I could feel my throat close up from the tears wanting to slip out
I grabbed my books, closed my locker and ran to class I drifted through class, only Ms Newman asked me how I had been and that she knew what happened I simply nodded the told her I was fine, she cared and that meant something to me. It was time for lunch I took my things and went to the football field sat on the bleachers. I was eating and reminiscing old memories of when my family would go all out just to watch my brother play. Before I knew it I was crying. " why are you crying? " I panicked when I saw Ivan beside me I didn't even notice he was there. I shook my head and mumbled a small " so..meth...ing go.t in my e..yes" curse my stuttering He sat beside, grabbing my face in between his hot palms and used his thumb to wipe a few tears " Lotus, why are you crying." It was as if him talking to me softly opened the river banks of tears. I cried, I'm such a cry baby, he just held me as I balled my eyes out. "My d..ad i..s dead, he's never coming back." My whole body shook with tears, I raised my head from his shoulders when I heard the bell My crying had left a huge wet patch on his uniform "I..I'm s..orry , i swear I didn't mean t..o" "It's fine " he smiled, I wanted to grab my backpack so i could go back to class when he yanked it away I looked at him " You're not going to class lotus, you're going home" "I can..t, I missed classes last week, I ne..ed to catch up, I. Can't l.l.loose my scholarship" I was hyperventilating, I couldn't fail mom I needed this. "It's okay, you can borrow my notes to catch up but right now you need to rest, you have a high temperature and I saw you this morning and you looked weak, you can't be here right now." I nodded absentmindedly he was right I couldn't be here. He clasped my hands with his and together we walked through the empty hall way and left the school compound. We made over to his car, he opened and I got into his black jeep wrangler
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He drove out of the school gates "I'm s..so.ryy I made you miss class I didn't mean to." "It's fine, I hate music class anyways " I wondered why anyone would hate music class but then Ivan warned me about ceaser so he must know something. I just simply nodded, we drove in complete silence it was uncomfortable or anything It was what I needed at the moment I saw my mom's car and another parked car infront of the house and I saw her walk out with a man, they were conversing and I saw mom pull the man by his tie and kissed him My heart shattered into a thousand pieces " I screamed No" Ivan drove away from my house I saw my Mom giggling with the stranger. She never loved my dad A tear slid down my eyes when Ivan laced his fingers with mine.
