The mirror showed me how truly broken I was, it showed me how unable I was to live happy
Terrible experiences turned my body into a painting of scars and insurmountable pain I had put my heart and soul on getting forgiveness but in the end I lost m...
The darkness was overwhelming, I felt suffocated. I felt I was outside my body watching my self drown All over again, I reached out to catch my self but I ended up drowning still. I saw the lake turn red with my blood. Tears were streaming down my eyes, when I finally tore my eyelids apart and the soft glow of the moon welcomed me back to the land of the living. I looked to my side and saw a bouquet of carnations , I stretch my hands and pull a stem out of the bouquet. I let my hands trace over the redish-pinkish hue of the carnation, I wonder how life must be as a flower
It must be nice being tended, cared for and treated so precious. I wonder how nice it must be being cared. So much symbolism behind such dainty petals. They represnted deep love and gratitude. I laugh at the thought of someone loving me. I'm impossible to love, I was once told I was like the oleander flower, beautiful but deadly to touch, only meant to be stared from afar. I hug the stem of the carnation closer to my body and slowly drift off.
I knew it was day, I could feel the warm glow of the sun on my skin, I felt its sweet caress, but I had no strength left to do anything. I heard the door open, and powerful steps coming closer, I felt the piercing gaze created by someone boring holes with their eyes. Even when I am half conscious I recognise his presence. His presence is domineering and commanding. I just keep the pretence of being asleep up. I hate the fact that I couldn't read him, he doesn't speak much which makes him more difficult to understand. His hand gently removes the carnation that I was hugging ever so lightly from my body, he let's His hans linger on my elbows. His touch is so invigorating, the sparks I feel as his thumb rubs my elbows soothingly melts me into a puddle and commands goosebumps to rise from my body.
I almost snap my eyes open when he pulls his hands away, I miss the warmth of his soft yet rough fingers on my skin. I hear a faint buzzing of a phone, his phone was ringing once again, that little device has interrupted us once again. "Ana" this was definitely deja vu, it was just like this scenario was always repeating itself. Why was she always calling when he was with me, I almost shook my head to rid my self of these thoughts, I was nothing to him, Ana was the one who occupied his thoughts and his heart. 'I'll be right there " he put something n the cabinet next to me, he let his gaze linger over me before he took powerful strides out of the room taking his all manly musky scent with him. His scent still lingered in the air, I reluctantly snapped my eyes open, and sat up on the hospital bed, I stretched my limp arm bones up and down, my eyes scanned the whole room, the carnation were put in a vase of water and I was on the other side of the room, I looked at the cabinet next to me and grabbed the bouquet of Juliet roses.
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My eyes became blurred with tears, he got me Juliet roses, one of the most expensive flowers in the world. I felt so insignificant compared to these beautiful petals. I brought them closer to my nose, they smelt like lilacs and vanilla with a soft undertone of tea. I looked at the flower once again feeling more dejected than usual, why would he spend so much money on me. Ivan was going to split my head into two if he doesn't stop with his mixed signals.
I wonder why he even got them, these flowers signified beauty, love, passion. They screamed of affection and elegance. All the areas I was lacking in. I didn't deserve these flowers. Infact I didn't deserve anything from him, I looked at the apricot coloured flowers once again, and with a dejected heart, I put the bouquet back on the cabinet, they were too good for someone as puny as me. I curl into a ball and stain the sheets with my colossal tears streaming down my face. I had never felt so worthless as I was right now, I wiped my eyes quickly when I heard the door open, it was the nurse, she gave me a pitiful look when she saw my tear stained face, she smiled softly and said "Are you okay?" It took everything within me not to cry at the softness of her velvety voice, I smiled reassuringly "I'll be fine" she nodded and walked closer to Me and dropped a tray of food, she stood there while I ate the cardboard tasting food, I didn't have it in me to reject the food, as I took the last spoon of food, the door burst open and revealed the face of the last person I wanted to see Mom.
The nurse took tray and stepped out, leaving the room to me, mom and the coward standing behind, oh sweet devan, his face has been engraved in my brain since I saw them making out. I made no effort to make the first conversation, I was not going to fall victim to her blatant lies, the tension was thick and oozing inconvenience, I kept my gaze on the Juliet roses beside me.
"Lotus " mom called carefully, as if I was going to get scared and run away, I tore my eyes from the flower and turned then to my Auburn haired mother "Mother " "I am glad you're awake ". I had nothing to say to that, so I just hummed a yes, I snapped my gaze to the roses once more thinking of the one person whom occupied my thoughts like he owns it. "Who got you Juliet roses " mom asked, I took a deep breath before answering "A friend" "Quit lying to me lotus, a friend doesn't give you a bouquet of 5 million dollar roses" I flinched slightly at her bristle angry venomous words "Well apparently a friend genuinely bought me this flower" " I don't believe you " I looked at her angrily "Maybe you loose all sense of the truth, when you spout lies so often, they begin to cloud your judgement until you begin to believe everyone lies just like you. "
I couldn't believe I said that, I was never disrespectful to anybody but these things that she had done, I couldn't bear any longer "So you tried to kill yourself because you couldn't handle my feelings for devan " I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion "I never tried to kill myself " She scoffed " yes you did, you took a bunch of pills and tried to drown in a lake" I looked at my mother dumbfoundedly "No, I didn't Try to commit suicide, I was pushed in the lake, someone tried to kill me" "You sure?" I finally got to hear the homewrecker voice for the first time. It was croaky like a frog, maybe I exaggerated a bit but I really hated him "And you are ?" I felt mom's glare prickling my skin. "He is devan " "Ohh. The lover " mom's eyes widened, while devan stood there awkwardly, I might have liked him, if it wasn't for mom " who are you Lotus, I didn't raise such a disrespectful and suicidal daughter" I wasn't suicidal, and anytime I wanted to die, I always thought of her first "Well I didn't know a manipulative mother while growing up " mom was seething at this point, she stormed out of the room leaving me and an awkward looking Devan "I don't hate you, you haven't given Me any reason too, my issues are with my mother " I told devan while staring outside the window " I understand lotus, I am sorry for everything, I hope one day you'd understand that I never meant to hurt you" I simply nodded, it's funny how a stranger apologises for mom's mistakes. He drops something beside me before chasing my mother. I look at the bouquet of purple roses
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They signified splendour, wonder enchantment,splendour, Royalty and mystery. Why are they giving me flowers that remind me things that I lack. I set the flowers on the cabinet and pick up the roses, I caress their petals lovingly before falling asleep.
