The Big Reveal

Chapter 42 | Guilt

Jungkook's diary.

July 2009.

It has been a month since Hana left Korea. Like every other day, I miss her. I miss her more and more with the passing time, but the past events have been such a fuss.

Mom is not coming out of the trauma of the death of not just her colleague, but her best friend from the past ten years; Hana's mother. Hana is barely talking to anyone around her.

But the strangest thing is the day after we attended the funeral, mom strictly told me not to visit Hana or her house. I have known her since she was born. We always have been together. No matter what the circumstances were, we did not doubt in choosing each other.

Once when I sneaked to her house, her dad never let me meet her. I forced myself and hit him multiple times to get inside, but he gave me no space and shut the door right on my face. She didn't even have a phone I could talk her on. I returned home finding mom lying unconscious. She has shrunken to half of her weight in the past few days, while I was unaware about Hana.

I asked mom why I can't meet her. To which she replied,

"For your own good. For the sake of your mother."

I was confused. The least I expected from her was to treat her like a daughter, from the trauma she is suffering, but she never did that. When no force could stop me from meeting her, I climbed the tree next to her house and sneaked inside her room only to find her in the worst condition possible. She is weak and her eyes are embedded, with large dark circles. She isn't the same I saw her the last time. She came running and hugged me tightly.

"Why did you leave me alone?" she kept crying, but I had no answer.

"I'll never leave you alone again, I promise."

She pulls back, cleaning her face with her wrist. "If you ever broke your promise, I am dead for you."

Days back, I told mom that I may have fallen in love with her. To which, she laughed out and said,

"You are just 15, Jung Woo. You are too young to understand love." I accepted too. I don't know what it feels like as of now. I just feel connected to her because it has been 12 years we are together.

Finally, when I was sure I made Hana feel comfortable, her dad barged in and got me out holding my collar.

"Get your son from my door!" he said on his cell phone, while Hana cried at the back. I hated him. How dare he is making her cry? I wish I could hit him, but I am too small in front of him.

Mom arrives in a few minutes and guess what? She cries and apologizes to her dad and drags me all the way home.

"How dare you go there when I stopped you?" she asked.

"I wanted to see Hana."

"You cannot see her! I told you!"

"Why did you apologize to her dad when he was the one who misbehaved?"

She stays silent. "Tell me!" I yell.

"Jungkook.." she falls to the ground. "I did a mistake- a terrible mistake. And if you want that your mom remains sane, just stop making me remember my mistake again and again."

"What mistake?"

"I will tell you when it's the right time, not now. But just for my sake Jung Woo, never visit Hana. Forget about her. I beg you," she says holding her palms against each other.

"Mom, if it hurts you, I will never visit her again. Please don't fall sick."

I promised my mom. I promised Hana too. I am a terrible person. I was breaking Hana's promise, when I know I love her so much.

It was the 14th day of not seeing Hana when she called me on my phone. As soon as I picked it up saying hello, she laughed while sobbing. "Jung Woo, don't leave me alone like this," I say nothing but hang up the call. That day, I injured my hand hitting the wall multiple times. I hate it. She never called me after that.

On the 32nd day, she texted me that she is leaving for America the next morning. My body trembled. I told mom, but she gave no reaction.

"Can you not meet me? Just for an instance?" she texted.

Mom refused. I cannot meet her. The day was stuck. The clock's hands never moved. A fire was burning inside me thinking of her going away, but on the other side, I was calm. I couldn't resist not meeting her while living in the same town.

And then, the hour passed. She left.

Today marks a month to that horrible day. Today marks a month to the worse regret of my life that I'll hold forever. I wish I could have met her, kissed her, held her in my arms.

But mom says,

I am too young for it. I am too young to understand love when it's the only thing existing between us. Hana may be young to understand, not me.

It was never me.

It would never be me.

She is first and last.

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