The Big Reveal

Chapter 73 | Back at it

Jungkook's diary

Page-1

Isn't this funny? How much do you love me and want me to keep writing?

Dear diary, it may sound cliché, but I hate writing. This is the habit I have been fighting for so long now, when it felt like I defeated it, it came back on me. I hate the pen I am holding, and I hate what I am going to write down; the feelings I have been running from.

But, I don't know where to start. It's like I have forgotten to write, to even start. I tried everything to get away from you. I have locked the diary drawers and thrown the key, I have dumped my diaries into the water, I have tattered the pages, but it never worked. The only thing that did work was love. Not just any love, but with her. She made me forget every bad memory from the past. Instead of jotting down the day in the diary, I was foolish enough to imagine our future together. She and I, are on our journey to achieve our goals and living a life filled with love and sympathy for each other. But, the purpose has gone. They were just thoughts.

I don't know where mom is. I don't care. My heart is broken and I am helpless, wandering everywhere and diving into everything to bring my mind to peace, but how can it when everything has gone wrong? Hana's anger is genuine, I won't complain. But, does anyone in this world care about me? I am on the verge of giving up on my life because nothing is fascinating about it. Every single moment is a prick in my neck. I have to live through this when it isn't my fault.

Hana's plea to make me leave was real. No pretending. I wish she was, but she wasn't. I saw through her eyes. It's like the exposure of her mind. Her thoughts, her feelings, and every unsaid word lie in her eyes. Sometimes, there's just no need to speak a word to her. I understand her and she understands me. Unspoken, yet understood. That's how simple things were. Now, it's a mesh, filled with loose ends, though they belong to each other, there's nothing or no one to bring them together. And in this enormous world, nobody is willing to bring our strings together. Not even nature, how sad.

The worst thing was seeing her sick. My soul left my body seeing her like that. I fear it, I always fear it. She is feeble, she is weak, she's vul- vulnerable. Her eyes, her face, and her lips- all were vulnerable. As if, she is a child standing amidst the cruel world around her. And of course, I am the villain here. My mom is. I know why she is hesitating to own me, knowing that I am equally surprised and saddened by this- my mom. She doesn't want to ruin our relationship. How can she not know that the day mom did that, she broke all her relationships? And after all, I am her son. She won't forget. She won't forgive; she never should. My hands are tied, and I won't even ask her to forgive me. It would be too cruel; too unjust.

The little light in my heart had faded too that led me to her apartment. I will always remember her, her laugh, her smile, her shyness, she scolds, her presence, her scent, her lips, her...how many things should I name? They are infinite.

And now, my fear is standing in front of me, mocking me in so many ways. It's over me. I have lost her. I have broken my promise, yet again. It's so true, nature never changes. What you did once, you'll do it again, despite the number of times you hate it. You'll do it, unconsciously. And I did it. It hurts.

I guess I'll keep writing about her on these pages. I will remember her in my itched words, my wrecked mind, my shattered heart, and mostly, my words.

I'll write songs for her. I'll keep them with me forever. I'll keep her in my heart forever. I'll keep...

her

close.

JK