love, your sweet p

being happy all the time,

March 30, 2019

Dear Diary,

     I want to kill myself, I'm so bad at dancing. That isn't sarcasm. I did so bad, I want to kill myself. I screwed up everything for my entire future. I'm a horrible person and I'll never forgive myself for what I did.

     But before all that, it was an okay day. JoJo was so excited to come to a competition with us, so it boosted our moods. We all got to wear big JoJo bows too, even the moms, which was super hilarious. The bus ride was short but fun. The crowd and attendance was the largest we ever competed against, which was daunting, but if I didn't screw up, we'd be fine. EVerything seemed to be going okay.

     Since the drama with Kamryn ended up having her competing individually, only Lilly, Ellie, and Sarah were competing for the ALDC. So as they were getting ready, Abby came in with JoJo trailing on the back of her wheelchair, which was funny.

     Each solo had something insane with it. Lilly had a straitjacket, Sarah had a comically long wig to make her look like Rapunzel, and Ellie had to get PIG'S BLOOD poured on her dress. Well, fake blood. She didn't need a gimmick. I need a gimmick.

     Seeing the pig's blood being poured on her was really funny. JoJo got to pour it out of a pitcher while she was standing in a kiddie pool. She looked miserable, but it was so funny. After that we had to run to the sides. Abby dragged Gianna's chair with her, though, and that was funny.

     Lilly was up first, and OH MY GOD, IT WAS AMAZING. The acting, the lines, the technique, the feet, the balance, the musicality, the control, everything about was just top-notch. I think Sarah and Elliana have their work cut out for them. Go lil' sis.

     Next was Ellie. The blood was sticky on her, and the knife looked fake even from afar despite it being real because of the rhinestones on it, so there were two caveats there. However, she still nailed it. She's definitely improved and I can see it. The legs were insane. They tried to put her on the cover of Vogue, but her legs were TOOO long.

     Last was Sarah. I'm going to be honest, none of us thought she was in the running for first place. She even agreed she choked. She kept messing up with the hair, missing her backsplit, one of her specialties. Also, the song was really bad. Oh, side note, Kamryn did great.

     Nonetheless, JoJo was impressed and we moved on to the group dance. I liked the dress; it had blue and white vertical stripes and it had a lot of ruffles. Our hair was in a half-up half-down ponytail. The pressure was on. If we slipped, we could get hurt or die. Also, Brady was back, and it's in Pittsburgh, and we had a fight with the competition and we were barely allowed to compete.

     So, of course, what do I do? Slip on the water and nearly fall right at the beginning! I'M AN IDIOT! That's why I want to kill myself! And it was on the judged take, so I screwed up even more. I'm just a blatantly bumbling failure. I opened up to Brady about my mistake, and he tried to comfort me, but nobody can fix that fact I was a failure!

     Right after they cleaned off the stage were awards. Sarah and Kamryn didn't place, Ellie got third, and Lilly got a PERFECT SCORE!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYY!!!! OH MY GODDDDDD!!! SHE DID IT!!! I'm so proud of her! She deserves it! She also got a scholarship.

     However, the group dance got fourth, which was just heartbreaking. If we had practiced the dance more, or if I hadn't slipped, or if everything had just been better, maybe we could have won. But no. We are humongous disappointments. I did badly and I had to take everybody down with me. How embarrassing.

     While we were getting ready to pack up and Abby was going on about how we were disappointments to the team, which I take full responsibility for, Yolanda got really mad, so we had to walk out of the studio. Ellie was crying.

     When we got to the bus, Adriana had a fight with Abby, so they left the bus, which was sad to say the least. I have a feeling Kamryn won't be here on Monday. She was such a bright addition to the team. I'll miss her.

     We've all sat with the loss for a while. It feels like there is a rock inside of my stomach right now, which I didn't experience with the other losses. I feel legitimately sick right now, too. Brady sat next to me on the bus, but since the competition was in Pittsburgh, we're back to our apartments.

     I have a feeling next week, things will just get worse. But at least we're going to London after next week, so it will be cool to spend Easter in England. I wish we could have just gone home for the two week break. I want to see Tallie and all my other family members like YoYo and TuTu.

Love,

sweet p