love, your sweet p

a mistake.

May 4, 2019

Dear Diary,

     Happy May the 4th be with you! Brady played the Imperial Death song the entire way to the competition, which after a while, got super annoying. Everybody seemed so happy. Brady forced me to sit next to him, too, which was not a great start.

     We had to unload all of the sticks, which looked gross. Imagine all of these pretty dancers and then a pile of sticks not even in a bird's nest formation just outside of the door that smells like humidity. It looked disgusting!

     For the duet, I had this white dress that was actually very pretty for a competition costume. Gia had to have bruises all over her body and a weird dress and even humongous eye bags to really sell the point she was sick.

     As Gia and I were practicing, however, Mom and Joanne got into a fight about me having more time in the dance. I felt and still feel really bad. Everything's my fault. When will something not be my fault? And why is it always in duets?

     Immediately, Abby came in, stopped it (crowning Mom the winner), and showed the two team jackets. I can see Gia's name written on hers. I don't deserve the team jacket. If I get it, before I die, I'm gonna give it to Gia.

     After that fight, we had to go to the side for our duets. One thing I noticed was that there were a lot fewer dancers than normal. Yeah, sure, Dance Moms sets up the competitions and sometimes switches around the scores for television's sake, but real people always compete and real unbiased judges always score.

     First up were Lilly and Brady. They had their duet renamed My Big Brother. Oh my gosh, could there have been a better pairing? The two strongest technically in a ballet-heavy contemporary? Yes, please. Everything was perfect, but what really stuck out to me was how Lilly glided through the air when Brady lifted her. She was like cotton candy.

     Then Gia and I had to compete against them, which was impossible. However, we gave it our best shot. I think it went okay. I made sure to use my face and I think we told the storyline okay. But I felt like a hot piece of garbage on stage. However, Gia literally pushed me into the wings on the wheelchair, which must look hilarious on camera.

     Abby thought I was more flexible, but she commented on my feet and how she wishes she could have them pointed, but my feet were too bad. I'm such a failure to the Abby Lee Dance Company. I'm so broken.

     Anyway, then we had to get ready for the group dance. We had these pretty expensive tutus decked out with feathers. They looked okay. We had to have these humongous head pieces on and these lashes that were so long and were so heavy, too. But we looked like birds.

     And guess what? Abby didn't even want to use the nest! She just wanted the moms to leave her alone. That was one of the moments where I had genuine laughter coming out of my mouth. That was so funny!

     Then we had to go on stage. There's a right and a wrong to ballet technique, so if I screwed up, it was obvious. Everything went okay except for our pas de chat, which I stumbled out of, my left kick, which was not high enough, and my penché, which was wobbly. I did a lot more wrong because I'm an awful dancer, but those were the main points.

     Now onto awards: our duet was third, Lilly's duet was first, and our group was third. WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT? I HAVE TO SCREW UP EVERYTHING! I'M SO BAD! Well, the winning streak didn't last long.

     As expected, Abby was really mad at us. We shouldn't be third-place losers. She wouldn't even give out the jackets because of our loss. Now I know Gia's getting the jacket, which is a way better outcome.

     If I wasn't in the group, maybe the group would have gotten first. We'll never know. Because we're all losers because of me. I always cause destruction wherever I go. I am never good enough. I'm so broken.

     Eight days left until the pain will go away.

Love,

sweet p