love, your sweet p

i'll be watching over you,

May 8, 2019

Dear Diary,

     Over the three days of break, I spent almost all of it in my room, only doing the bare minimum for school on my computer. I didn't even take a shower until last night. Mom asked me if I was okay and I lied. I said I was okay, just tired. I don't want to make her worry if I tell the truth.

     I did also begin my suicide plan yesterday. I looked up how much Advil sleeping pills would kill you. Sixteen pills are the maximum amount an adult can take without damaging their body. There are twenty-four pills in a box, so I decided I'll buy two.

     There's a pharmacy across the street from our apartment. I just told Mom I was going to go to the playground outside of the apartment. I bought the boxes of Advil. I still have four days left just in case I want to live and get help. But I don't want help. I need to solve this on my own.

     Anyway, onto the pyramid. To start, we heard some awful news. Diana, Abby's good friend back in LA, had a heart issue last night. They had to shock her heart seven times and put her into a coma. It's awful. I feel sick again thinking about it. We had no pyramid today, which was a little sad, but understandable.

     But we did have team jackets. Lilly got her team jacket back, which was great, but I felt kind of bad for Brady. And guess what? I got the team jacket. She claimed I was never invisible, but she needed to be tough on me.

     Hearing that made me feel even worse. She shouldn't have to be tough on me and then lie and say I was never invisible. Gia deserves this team jacket. I'm already starting to divide things up between my friends. I gave Lilly a necklace that I really liked and Sarah a pair of my shoes. I claimed Mom said I needed to get rid of a pair of shoes and some jewelry and I knew they wanted them.

     This week, we're going to NJ. I'm actually kinda glad I can spend my last weekend alive at my house. Something about it seems comforting. I got a solo called All or Nothing. I would never tell Abby this, but I hate having solos now. I hate dance, so why would I want to have a one-on-one lesson?

     I'm going against Hannah. She has one called Hannahbal. It's about Hannibal Lecter. We're going against each other for a Nationals solo. I'm going to try to put in some effort since it's my last dance, but Hannah's obviously going to get the solo since her competition will be six feet under.

      The group dance is called The Chosen One. It's about a movie where they stone a person, like rock stone them so they can have good crops. It sounds like a weird movie. But something even odder about the group dance is that's what the new dancers were auditioning with.

     That's right: WE GOT NEW DANCERS. One is named Berkleigh, she's from Maryland, and the other is named Paris, from North Carolina. Only one of them will stay. Berkleigh will also get to compete her solo, Moonlight Sonata, at the competition on Saturday.

     The other dancers auditioning were Elli, Alaina (who had never been at the auditions), Landree, and William, Hannah's little brother. Mom doesn't like Berkleigh's mom, Amanda, because they can't have two skinny bitches on the team (sorry for cursing).

      That's it. We all prayed for Diana's health. I still feel sick thinking about it. I threw up an hour ago because of it. No person should have to go through that. I wish I could take everybody's pain so that nobody will have any pain when I die, not even me.

     Four days left.

Love,

sweet p